Why I Believe in God - A Miracle

Periodically I am asked why I believe it God.
Sometimes this question comes from people that are searching for their own beliefs.
Sometimes this questions comes from people who are steadfast in their belief that there is no God.
Regardless of who is asking the question, I always have the same answer.

How can I not?

For what God has done in my life there is no way that I cannot believe in Him.
And that is just me personally.
That does not even come close to describing what I have seen Him do in other lives.

Sure I face criticism for my beliefs.
I had someone tell me that it was natural for me to believe what I do when I have gone through something like I have (meaning the cancer) because it is the human tendency to try to cling to something that could possibly give me the outcome that I desired.
Um... okay...
One important note though - I believed in God before I was diagnosed too....

Anyway, I am not here to debate my belief.
People are entitled to their beliefs just as I am entitled to mine.
But I do want to share one of the many many ways I have seen God in my life.

Jason and I have actually had people ask us, even our Christian friends, how we can believe in Jesus after what we have gone through... the cancer... the multiple miscarriages... and other things that we won't get into.

Again, our answer... how can we not?

One way I saw God's provisions... God's miracle... was actually through my cancer.

What some of you may not know is that I found my first cancer symptom when my daughter was just 2 weeks old.
It was not there before and then suddenly the day she was 2 weeks old I found what I would later learn was a tumor in my neck.

Why is this a miracle?
Some people may say it is the opposite....

Because I didn't find that tumor during my pregnancy.
Can you even fathom the timing of it all?
I STILL struggle with the magnitude of how powerful this is in my life.

I am pregnant with my daughter.
A pregnancy that I white knuckled the entire time because of the loss of our son the year before...
But I am able to go through my entire pregnancy with the cancer growing in my body and still deliver this healthy baby girl.
Then 2 weeks later I find my first cancer symptom.

I see women all of the time that have been diagnosed with cancer during their pregnancies and then have to make those critical decisions.
I was actually there once myself but that is a story for another blog post.
But I cannot imagine having to make those decisions being pregnant with her after we had endured such a loss just one year, one month, and ten days before she was born.
I know God knew that I could not take that.
And he spared me from it.

I am also grateful that he allowed me to carry her full-term and that she was perfectly healthy despite the cancer growing inside me at the very same time.
A miracle.
My miracle.
One of many.

But God is not a God of just miracles.
He is a God of the everyday things.
Each day I walk it out with Him and each day I know how lost I would be without Him.
And I am grateful.
Grateful for it all.

I know that this may not seem like a big deal to some but it is a huge deal to me.
And to my last breath on this earth I will rejoice for the gifts that He has given me.
2 weeks.
He gave me 2 weeks.
And it made all the difference for this mamma.
And one very special baby girl.

Who Forgets They Have a Tattoo?

Sadly, that would be me.

This is a very random post but one I just couldn't forget about.
I have an idea that I might laugh at this someday and I am always up for a good laugh.
Especially at myself.

The other day I suddenly remembered that I have a tattoo.
3 of them to be exact.
So, that would technically be... I have tattoooossss.
Plural.
For those of you keeping track that is.
And I completely forgot that I had them.

Okay, to be fair to myself they aren't the type of tattoos that you go and pick out, selecting something that you like, or I would hope you would like it - at least at the time.
Then sit there in the tattoo chair and voluntarily endure the process.

Oh no.
Mine were from when I had radiation.
Mine were a lot less glamorous.
And have no cool story behind them.

I mean, it would not sound cool for me to say, "Hey, you want to check out my tattoos? Yeah, they marked the places where they had to shine the little radiation lasers at me. Yeah, I know. Pretty cool, right?"
Yeah, no.

But still.
Who forgets they have tattoos?
Again, me.
I need to stop asking that question.

They are about the size of a pin drop.
Except the one on my chest - they had to do it twice so it is technically two pin drops.
Living wild I know.
Couldn't just go for one pin drop tattoo - had to be two.

The two on my sides I have actually never seen.
I hope they did a good job.
It would be awful if they would have messed those babies up.
How humiliating.

You messed up my pin drop tattoos!
How dare you.

I still can't get over the fact that I forgot that I had them.
Who does that?!?

Do you think I have to check those boxes where they ask if you have any tattoos?
I would be lying if I said no.
But can you imagine me trying to describe them???
And worse yet, them trying to find them???

Ma'am, can you please describe your tattoos?
They are pin drops.
Rain drops?
No, pin drops.
What are "pin drops?"
You know, when you drop a pin and it makes a mark. That is what my tattoos look like.
But why would anyone get "pin drop" tattoos?
I don't know, just in case I ever want to play connect the dots or tick-tat-toe. They give me a good place to start.

Nooooo thank you!

:-)

Have a great week!

{$22,000}

I have rarely talked about the financial burden cancer creates for a family.
It is not that it isn't always there.
There are constant reminders of the mounting debt that the disease is causing you to incur.

But it is kind of like... what can you really do about it?
It is not like I had another option.
My children needed their mother.
And my husband needed his wife.

The time for me to worry about my medical bills was not when I was fighting for my life.
(Although you don't ever really not worry about them.)

However, during the last several months this burden has weighed heavier and heavier on my heart.
Struggling with fatigue made it worse.
I couldn't go back to work and it almost felt hopeless.

Was I ever going to start feeling better?
How am I ever going to get these paid off if I don't have the energy to work?
It was awful.

And my husband is a youth pastor and we definitely live on a pastor's salary.
I am not complaining but it is just a reality of our situation.

Do not get me wrong.
We have have had support from our family and friends along the way.
Without you all I have no idea what we would have done.  

People held a couple of fundraisers for us and that was huge.
And others offered to hold fundraisers but, sadly, I just didn't even have the energy for that at the time.

A few weeks ago we sat down and laid out the massive pile of bills.
And with the help of my mom, thanks mom, we figured out as close as we could how much we still owe.

Right now we owe around $22,000.
That may not sound like a big number to some.
But it is one that I would like to do away with as soon as possible.

I am not asking for you to give us money.
That is not at all the point in this blog.
But I cannot sit around and do nothing and expect them to pay themselves.
I can't go to our big money tree in our backyard, unfortunately.
And the last time I checked winning the lotto was a long shot and actually required you to play it in the first place - which I don't.

So, I am going to start selling some of the little things I make here and there.
All of the profits will go to my cancer bills.
And, hopefully, we can get them knocked down just a little bit.

The reason why I am telling you...
Well, I do plan on advertising on here.
And I don't want you to be offended.
You have all been so faithful to follow me through this journey and that is the last thing I want to do.

However, if you would like to help please feel free to forward my blog to anyone you feel might be interested in purchasing the things that I will be offering. (More on that to come.)
God has been so faithful throughout all of this.
I know He will be here too.
And in the scope of life I do know what matters most.
But I would just really like to be rid of this $22,000 sooner than later.

Thank you again for all of your love and support.

Blessings,
Andrea

Scan Results Part 2 - {The Details}

Okay, so this is a little blog catch up time. 
I actually wrote this last week on the day of my scan and for whatever reason I never posted it. 
But now I am going to. 
I like when things are fresh. 
They seem more real to me. 
Deeper. 
Raw. 
Even just a week later I read this and have already forgotten most of it. 
Anyway, here you go. 
Maybe it will be valuable to someone out there. 

{9.5.12}

Oh wow.
What a day.
I am literally exhausted but I cannot turn my brain off yet to go to sleep.

This morning was pretty rough.
I literally felt sick to my stomach.
And that is pretty unusual for me.

I wanted to believe so badly that everything was going to be okay.
And this is where it gets hard to explain.

I wanted to believe that everything was good.
That I was still cancer free.
But I couldn't 100% let my guard down.
I couldn't let myself get blindsided - just in case I received the news that I did not want to hear.
I had to be able to maintain my composure and my strength for my family.
I couldn't fall apart in front of my children.
I had to be strong for them and reassure them that it was all going to be okay no matter what.
That is all I could think about.
Them. Them. Them.

As we drove into town I was thankful for our long drive.
The beautiful morning.
Our mountains.
And our radio station.
Some incredible music played and really put my heart at ease.

We arrived and I said my hellos to the many familiar faces.
They have to be some of the nicest people on the planet that work at the cancer center.
How they do it day in an day out I do not know.

They called me back to the room.
They took my blood pressure.
137/86 - not so good.
And I was trying to stay calm.

Soon after Dr. O came in.
He is so awesome.
He knows we are believers and openly talks to us about that.
He is just a nice man all around.
He asks about my kids each and every time.
Then he shares about his own kids.
If I weren't there for the reason that I am, it would almost seem fun.

Then he gets to my scan results.

You are stable - he said.

That, my friends, is a very good thing in the cancer world.
Later on he mentioned that the spot in my chest (an enlarged lymph node) that they are watching actually appears to be getting smaller.
That is the second scan where they have found that to be true.
Thank you God!

We talked some more about this and that.
I just really felt so much joy.
So much relief.
There are just not words.

From there I went to doctor #2.
Said my hellos in that office.
They took my blood pressure again.
(Not even an hour later.)
119/72
Ummm..... yeah... just a wee bit stressed before.

I received a confirmation from this doc's office on the scan results.
And they set me up for my next round.

Blood work in 3 months.
Full body scan in 6 months.
That is when I will have to drink the liquid chalk. Yum.
But we will worry about that in 6 months.
Not today.

I will then have two more scans after that 6 months apart and then we will hopefully "graduate" to the once a year gig.
That would be nice.

As I left the docs office J and the kids were in the parking lot waiting for me.
They had the windows down and I could hear them cheering for their mama.
Brings tears to my eyes even now.
Even my baby girl was cheering.

How sweet they are.
They got caught up in all this ugly mess and had to watch their mom go through the lowest of lows.
Yet, they keep cheering me on.
That is why I fought to hard.
That is why I continue to fight.
My husband and my children are my purpose.
And I will continue to fight for them until my last breath.

I am so thankful for them and the way they stood by my side.

Cancer Update: Scan Results

I haven't even left the doc's office yet. But I wanted to give you all an update.

I am still cancer free.
Still a survivor.
Still in remission.

I am elated.
Beyond grateful.

I received an email update from a friend who is currently battling cancer. Her husband said it best...

God has given me the gift of more time.

Thank you God.

I will write more later but I just wanted you all to know for now that things are good.

Blessings.

My Latest Scan Documented: [The Uncut Version]

I have one last post that I wanted to make tonight before tomorrow.
I know once I get the news tomorrow I won't want to share this one.
One, I will either be too excited about my news to think backwards.
Or, two, I will be coping with other things.
Definitely praying for the first option.

But anyway... carrying on.

I mentioned in my last post that I documented my last scan.
So, here you go.
Just in case you ever want to know what one of these is like.
Of course you don't - but here it is anyway.

First, I shared the registration fiasco.
But once I got to the radiology dept. things moved pretty quickly.
Probably because it was 4:45pm and those people wanted to go home.
I don't blame them.

Anyway, I get there and my person calls me back.
Except it is not my normal person.
That threw me off right there.
Julie.
That's her name.
She has done all of my scans here locally.
We have been through a lot together.
She was the one who did the scan when I was diagnosed.
She was expecting then.
Then later on when they did the scan that showed the cancer wasn't completely gone.
Yep, she was there.
Finally, the one that showed I was clear.
Again, Julie was at the wheel.

I don't know Julie.
Other than when she does my scans.
But it is strange.
You just get used to a person and it just kind of throws you off when someone else does it.

The new guy, Daniel, was just as capable.
But I still missed Julie.

It's like the guy who does my pulmonary stuff.
That guy gets so excited about those pulmonary tests.
And thank goodness he does because there is not much there to get excited about and you need all of the encouragement you can get.
He is good at what he does.
And I am used to him.

Back to Julie.
If any of you at the hospital know who I am talking about - tell her she was missed.

On to the scan...
The first thing you have to do is change into your gown.
Thank goodness I get to keep my pants on.
Otherwise it would be even more awkward.

Me.
Looking super happy to have my scan.

    

Me. Again. Waiting in my gown in the hallway for the world to see. Or at least whoever walks down that hallway. Better than last time. There were about 20 guys waiting for some sort of testing for some sort of job. Awesome. Nothing like walking down the hall trying to hold your gown closed in the back. Awk.Ward. 

But there were pretty flowers in the waiting room.
That was nice.

And yes. I had to take pictures of them.
A little side note here.
My grandpa's favorite flower was the sunflower.
He passed away the day before my birthday 10 years ago.
From cancer.

I was also born in the sunflower state.

Perhaps these were a sign.
A sign of love.
A sign of peace.
A sign of hope.

I can only hope.

    
Me. Again. Laying in the scan thing. Super comfortable as you can tell. And this is my view. You have to pay a lot of money to get a view like that.

At least where I get my PET scans they have leaf impression things in the roof. Those are interesting for about the first 2 minutes at least.

When the scan starts a man's voice comes on and says, "Don't breath and don't swallow."
Somehow he always times this for when I have just exhaled and I have the shear desire to breath and swallow.
Why is it that when someone tells you NOT to do something it just makes you want to do it that s much more?
And then there is just the whole desire to breathe thing.

Oh, and one last thing. Don't wear bobby pins in your hair.
Had to pull about 20 of those bad boys out of my hair before we could begin.



This is the lovely machine that makes me feel yucky.

Two injections of iodine.
(That is also the stuff that makes you feel like you are peeing your pants - just in case you missed that post.)

Then I am done.

Pretty exciting huh.

Well, I am off to bed to get some sleep.
Hopefully you enjoyed this latest lesson in cancer 101.


Blessings.

[the room] - where my world changed forever

While I was at my scan last week I thought it would be interesting to document some of it.
I had never done that before.
I don't know why.
Probably because that was not what I was focusing on at the time.

Why this time was different - I don't know.

However, as I started to take some pictures some things hit me.
Namely, a flood of memories of 2.2.2011.
The day I was diagnosed.

This is the room where we received the news of my diagnosis.

I sat in that very chair that you can see through the door there. 

I will never forget those words.

We think you have lymphoma.

5 words.

19 months and 2 days later I can still hear the doctor saying them as if they just happened yesterday. 

I had not noticed this room before during my other scans.

I guess it was one of those things where I just kept my head down and did what I needed to do. 

This time was different. 

It was strange.

And hard.

Like I had to face some of these things to truly move on. 

Healing. 

Wow.

Just when you think your "good" you realize how far you are from really being "good". 

(Pretty sure I just opened myself up to a flood of comments there. Please, just be kind.) 

Thanks for hanging in there with me and my weird photos and blog posts. 

No one has turned me in yet - so I must still be okay. 

Things are looking up yet! 

:-) 

(Yes, I typically do use sarcasm to mask and deflect my inner most feelings. That's for all my counselor friends out there. You know who you are. :-) 

Coping with Fear

I like to document the tough stuff as I am going through it.
This is not easy as it forces me to be very vulnerable.
However, I feel that this is what God wants me to do.
So, I do it.

First, I want to help others.
And it is so much easier for someone to relate to me if they are reading my words as I am going through something.
Not days or even weeks later as I am trying to remember how I was feeling.
They can say - yeah, I feel exactly the same way.
Or, that is a different perspective.
And maybe even the occasional - wow, she's crazy.
But whatever their reaction, they can see that I am coming from a very real and honest place.
And that is important to me.

Second, this helps me greatly to process what I am going through.
It forces me to look at the real issues behind whatever I am facing.
Deal with them.
Pray about them.
And.
Hopefully.
Experience healing.

Help for others.
Healing for me.
Those are good things and when you deal with cancer you need all the good things your can get.

So, the issue.
I have been dealing with fear lately.
Namely - the fear that the cancer is back.

This is a common fear I know.
Nearly every person that has battled cancer has shared the same fear at one point or another.
This fear also accompanies the fear of dying.
At least for me it does.
I don't want to speak for anyone else.

Honestly, I am just not ready to die.
Pure and simple.
That is as honest as I can be right there.
But I do realize how little control I have over that...

Anyway, I have been dealing with this fear thing.
And I wanted to share how I really cope with it.
What works for me and maybe even what doesn't.
Not sure where this is going really.

I have identified my fear as the fear of the unknown.
I don't know if the cancer is still gone or if it is back.
If it is back, will I die?
Might as well cut to the chase and be brutally honest.
Otherwise, what's the point?

Strangely, I don't fear treatment.
Treatment stinks.
In fact, if I were to ever choose a time to use stronger language that would be entirely inappropriate - this would probably be that time.
But I will refrain.
I know, such a rebel.

But I honestly can go through any treatment that is thrown at me...
As long as I live.
That is my heart right there.

I want to see my babies grow up.
I want to see them graduate.
I want to see them get married.
I want to be a grandma.
I want to have old people problems.
Whatever those are.
I want them.
I want to see my husband's hair turn gray.
I want to hold his wrinkled hand.
I want to have piles and piles of precious memories.
And when I finally get to the end of my days my family can celebrate because I lived enough.
Right now I just don't feel like I have lived enough yet.

Yes, I am crying.
So, if you are crying too then we will just cry together.

I have a few more days before I officially find out my results.
(Wednesday, for those of you who are wondering.)

So, I have a choice.
I can spend those days consumed by fear, crying non-stop.
Thinking of the "what-if's" and "unknowns".
Isolating myself from the world - and maybe even my family.

But, honestly, what good is that going to do?
None.

So, how do I get control of it?
Here is what I do...

For me, I focus on the known.
1.) I just had my blood work done in June and it looked good. There was no cause of concern then.
2.) We were prayerful and thoughtful about my treatment. God gave us a peace about it and I walked it out 100%.
3.) Just because I know people who are going back into treatment does not mean I will have to go back into treatment. Everyone is different. Every case is unique. Each cancer is different.
4.) The cure rate for the cancer I had is very high. Almost the best you can get when it comes to cancer.
5.) Even if the cancer is back that does not automatically mean that I am going to die. (This is a big one here.)
6.) Ultimately God is in control. Whether the cancer is still gone or it is back - God will give me the strength I need to get through it and do what I need to do. 

It is important to realize that because I am struggling with this issue does not mean that I am having a crisis in faith.
I say that because when you are standing on this end and you receive people's reactions - it feels like that is sometimes implied.
I know God's goodness.
Even today.

What this does mean is that I am human.
It does mean that I understand that God's will may be different than my will.
It means that I respect that just because I am a Christian that does not mean that my life is going to be rainbows and lollipops.
I am going to go through hard things.
Life is going to be hard sometimes.
After all, look at what Jesus endured.
Without sin.
He died for our sin.
The ultimate.
If He went through that, what makes me think that I won't have to go through hard things too.
After all, He was the son of God.

Yes, I cling to my faith.
I cling to my hope.
And God gives me the courage.

I pray for peace.
And I know I will find it.
Sometimes it just takes a little time.
And focusing on what I KNOW.

And what I know is...
That God is Good.
All the Time.

Thanks for reading.

feeling yucky.

I had my scan today.
Barely.
Something about a change in the system and needing to be authorized - which takes 4 days.
Which I wasn't.

Thought for a minute there it was going to be rescheduled.
Again.

But some very dedicated and kind ladies went above and beyond and made it happen.
They. Are. Awesome!

But now I feel totally yucky because of the iodine they inject you with.
Gross.

They have to do it twice for me.
(I am such an over achiever.)

Basically my scans are far enough a part that I forget about how bad it makes me feel.
So, the first time you are like - wow, that wasn't so good.
But then...
Then you get to lay there and anticipate the second injection.
Did I say gross already?

It's awful.
Plus, you feel like you are peeing your pants.
Awesome.
Didn't know if you knew that or not - or even wanted to know that.
But now you do.

No, I am not joking.
As the iodine travels through your body it totally makes you feel like you are just a peeing a way.
TMI?

Thank goodness they warned me about it the first time I had one of these done or it would have been even more awkward.
Can you imagine?
Um... excuse me... I think I just peed all over and I have no idea why.

Alright, I will get off that topic.
Oh, the tales of cancer.

Anyway, back to me feeling yucky :-)
So, we've established I feel yucky.

The other day a lady sent me a note.
She was having a really bad day.
And I told her when I have days like that I just start to think of all the blessings I have in my life and it makes me feel better.
So, I am going to follow my own advise.

I am blessed that I even woke up this morning and was even able to take another breath.
I am blessed to have the wonderful husband that I have.
That we will be celebrating another anniversary tomorrow.
I am blessed to have the four beautiful children that I have.
That they love their mama the way they do.
I am blessed to have the rest of the family that I have.
My forever friends too.
I am blessed to have the energy that I have.
To be able to do what I love every day.
I am so blessed by the continual grace that God gives me - even though I don't deserve it.

The simple fact remains that I would choose to feel like this every minute of every day if it meant that I could watch my children grow up and grow old with my husband.

This is but a grain of sand in a sandy beach of eternal life but I plan on experiencing as much of this grain of sand that I possibly can.

So, I am going to put my big girl boots on, suck it up and stop whining.

Thanks for reading.

Cancer Tests Around the Corner: {Please Pray}

Yikes! God was super tricky on this one...

My scan was scheduled for Monday. (Yes, Labor Day.)
It was scheduled so long ago that I guess no one noticed it was a holiday.
Until yesterday.

I received a call saying they wanted to move it.
So, they moved it to tomorrow!
It really just hit me.
I have not had my normal prep time to pray, freak out and hyperventilate (just kidding - I honestly don't do that.)

But I didn't realize how much of a routine I have when it comes to these things. Here is a bit of a rundown:

1.) Ignore it.
Honestly, this is the only way to describe what I do. I really just don't think about it that much.
I have described it before as like waking up from a bad dream. You have to think about whether or not it really happened or not because it is all such a blur. That is me. I feel like I am just waking up but instead of saying, "Oh, that was just a dream..." I get to say, "Oh, that really did happen."

2.) Start praying about it.
About 2 weeks before, I do start to think of it just a little and every time I do think about it I just pray. My worry level is still very very low at this point.

3.) Pray more.
About 2-3 days before, I have to start praying more as I do start to think about it more. I do get those butterflies a bit and I just have to pray through it.

I honestly feel like I keep my worry in check pretty well. Of course, I am human. but as I have shared before, I feel like worrying about it is a giant waste of time. It does nothing for tomorrow and only robs my joy of today.

If, in fact, I had to go back into treatment do I really want my last days before going into treatment worrying about whether or not I will have to go back into treatment or not? That was a lot to just write - I can't imagine it continually swirling around uncontrollably in my brain.

The answer.
No.
Absolutely not.

I refuse to let cancer rob any more of my joy. I know I am stuck on this roller-coaster for a while but I can choose if I am going to enjoy the ride or scream out in fear the whole time.
It isn't always easy but it is still my choice.
And this is the way I am choosing to walk it out.

But...
I still wouldn't mind your prayers. :-)
Or thoughts.
Or whatever you do.
Just as long as it's nice. :-)

Thank you all for your continual love and support through this "roller-coaster ride". It means a lot that you still pray, still read, still care.

Blessings.

Bad Cancer Day...

My lack of blogging in the last couple of weeks had not been due to bad things.
It has actually been the opposite.

We have been trying to soak up every last minute of summer before we start school.
But more of that later.

Today, however, was not the best day I have ever had.
I am not sharing this because I want to sound selfish in any way.
This is not about me.
This is about sharing my heart every step of this journey to help others.
Even on my bad days when I would prefer to remain quiet.

I feel called to do this to give those who may not have the words a voice to represent what they are gong through.

I feel called to do this to give those who might be looking for a way to help someone in my situation some perspective on some of the things the person they are trying to help may be dealing with.

So, what made this day so difficult? Here is a rundown...

It started with me going to church.
I ran into a friend that I actually went through radiation with.
She gave me the news that her cancer was back.
I tried desperately  to fight back the tears for her.
I failed.

I know her heart.
I know her desire to stay here on this earth to raise her little girl.
I know her fear.
I would do anything to make it all better for her and I can't.
All I can do is pray.

This hit me hard.
It hit me hard for her.
It hit me hard for me.

First, I can't even imagine how hard it would be to know you have to go back into treatment again.
The first time around is hard enough.
But the one thing you do have is ignorance.
Ignorance to the fact of how hard it is really going to be.
The second time around you don't have that anymore.
You know.
And you have to do it anyway.

She is the 4th or 5th person that I was in treatment with that their cancer has come back.
I would be lying if I said that this does not cause me fear for my own cancer journey.
And, this always seems to happen right before I go in for my own scans.

My next scan is only a couple of weeks away.
The battle of the mind began today.
I am praying diligently that I can get it in control again quickly.

Next, our church had a concert tonight where Audrey Assad was the performer.
She shared that last September her husband was diagnosed with cancer.
Hodgkin's Lymphoma.
The same cancer I had.

Then, she shares that she has a friend who is dying this week.
Yes, from cancer.
She has two small children she will be leaving behind.
Even now my tears flow.

My heart just hurts so badly for that family.
My heart also screams, "No, please don't let this happen to me!"
Please God, allow me to stay here.

I just want to raise my children.
I just want to be a wife to my husband.

Finally, we were driving home...
I was just about to ask Jason about his thoughts on all this mention of cancer.
Just at that moment a mom came on the radio and started talking about her 3 year old having cancer.

So, my heart is heavy with so many things tonight.
Sadness.
Worry.
Fear.

Yet, all I can do is remain hopeful.
Keep my faith.
Know that God has already gone before me.
Pray.

And as my husband so gently reminded me of a couple of different times today....

Don't limit God.

My [Other] Birthday Today

Yesterday was my birthday and it was amazing. I will share more about that later. But today is another big day for me....

One year ago today I received my last chemo treatment. 

Wow. 1 year has gone by? Really?

I have a ton of emotions today. I am so grateful first of all. There are just really no words that will do this justice. I am grateful that I am still here. I am grateful that I am not in treatment anymore. I am grateful to be a survivor.

I feel an excitement that this is REALLY behind me. Sometimes it is hard to believe that I am really past this and sometimes I am scared to believe it. Like if I really believe it and then I find out it isn't real I don't know if I can withstand the heartbreak. But, that is where faith comes in.

I also feel sick to my stomach when I think about one year ago today and what I was doing. I really do. I honestly hate thinking about it because it brings back how awful I felt. I can even smell and taste how it felt - yes, chemo has a taste - and it is terrible. So, I really try not to go back there for long. However, it does enhance my joy and appreciation of today to do so.

Anyway, I know that many of you have walked along this journey with me. Some in the flesh and others by reading my blog. I appreciate you all. For if it weren't for your prayers and support I know that today could have been very different. And not just for me - but for the four little precious people who call me mama and the one big precious person that calls me wife.

I think I rejoice mostly for them.

Cancer Update

We have been busy here at the Gressman house. But I am finally feeling like things might slow down a little so we can have a peaceful summer. I need to play catch-up on some past events - things like Kearyn's 2nd birthday :-).

Anyway, just a quick update on the cancer stuff. I met with the doc again today and everything seems fine. He set my next scan for September. He said I passed with an A+ today and that made me happy. A's always made me happy in school and I guess life is no different. Jason calls me a nerd and says a B would not kill me but in the case of cancer - I am going to stick with being a nerd and continue to try to get those A's. ;-)

Hope you all are well.

Blessings,
Andrea

P.S. Please keep all those who are currently battling in your thoughts and prayers. I have recently been made aware of several people going back in a 2nd, 3rd, 4th+ times for treatment again. It breaks my heart to see them having to go through that and I pray for them so often. Please join me in prayer for them and for all of those we don't know by name.

6 Months Past Treatment

It dawned on me a couple of days ago that I am actually 6 months past treatment. Man, that has really gone by fast. I thought it would be a nice time to give an update on how I am feeling.

Physically

Physically I am probably doing as well as could be expected. I do struggle daily with my energy level but I think I am getting better at not overdoing it and acknowledging when I do overdo it that it is just going to take me time to recover. I don't let the expectations of others dictate my level of activity and I have gotten better at being honest and just saying, "I am tired," or "I am going to be too tired to do that." Basically I am just learning to give myself more grace.

My diet is a critical component to my energy level. I get lax on it every once in a while and then I am like, "Why am I feeling so bad lately?" Then that little voice says, "Have you checked out what you have been eating lately?" Oh yeah. Then I get back to where I need to be or at least closer to where I need to be.

Right now is a very busy season in our lives (now that I think about it, is there ever a slow season?) and keeping up with my kids takes pretty much everything out of me but I am just so grateful that I am here to even have that struggle.

I don't really have any other physical symptoms other than the fatigue to worry about. About 50% of my hair has grown back. I don't know if it will ever be like it was before but I don't even worry about that. I have always had a ton of hair and it is actually kind of nice not to have to blow dry it for two hours just to get it dry. :-)

Emotionally

Emotionally I think I handle things really well. I rarely worry about the cancer coming back. I find that a day or two before any testing I do get some butterflies in my stomach and then a day or two before I get the results the same thing happens. It takes a conscious effort to keep the fear in check when those moments come but I think overall I do a pretty good job at it.

My personal philosophy on this is that I do not know how many days God has given me. So, if I spend half of them or even all of them worrying about when that day is going to come it is a complete waste of those precious days. Worrying does nothing for today and it will not change tomorrow so why get caught up in that hamster wheel?

There was a lady that was diagnosed shortly before I was last year. She went through treatment last year and they recently found a couple of more spots indicating that she will most likely have to go back in treatment. When I hear of these situations my heart always breaks for that person. Treatment is nasty no matter how you look at it and if I could have my way no one would ever have to endure it. My heart breaks for them because I know the fear and uncertainty that they are undoubtedly facing - then there is their family and what they are going through as well. But after I get through all of that there is a tinge in my own heart - what if that is me? But then again, you just cannot let yourself go there...

Spiritually

This is kind of a hard one to explain. In many ways I feel stronger than ever but in other ways I feel a bit lost. It is kind of like I had this huge build-up of adrenaline for the past year and now it is over and I need to find my normal spiritual routine again.

For the last year I felt like I was white knuckling the cross - hanging on so tight and if I let go for even one second I would be lost forever. Now it is different. Maybe instead of white knuckling it I have my arms wrapped around it as I am completely out of energy and it alone is giving me the strength and energy to keep standing. I told you it was hard to explain. :-)

I just finished two book studies with two different groups of ladies and they were amazing. I am so glad I did each of them as it was a really good way to fellowship and just reconnect with the world again. I also learned a lot about myself and the person that I am today which is much different than the person I was a year ago.

Ultimately I am still just grateful to be done with treatment. It is the little things that continually remind me of this. Right now we are frequenting the field for baseball practices and games and I keep thinking of how hard it was last year to drag myself to the different sporting events my kids had. (Don't get me wrong - I am so glad I did and would do it all over again if I had to but it was still just hard.) My daughter's birthday is coming up in a month (a whole different post) but it is so nice to not have to plan her party around my chemo treatments. Like I said, it really is the little things.

Anyway, thanks for hanging in there and reading my rambles. I appreciate you more than you know. Praying you all have a very blessed week and here is to more days of being cancer free! (Saying that still gives me chills and makes me smile. :-)

One Day I Will Shine Again

Have you ever had a blog all written out in your head but when you go to write it thing turns out completely different? If you are not a blogger perhaps you can relate with something else. Anyway, that is totally what happened today. I had it all planned out and then God went and had to change it -and in the process He totally brought me to my knees.

I honestly hesitate to share this with you just because it is forcing me to be so very open but I know that when you all email me or make comments the number one comment is how you appreciate my honesty. So there is that and then there is the fact that this may help someone else out there so how can I not share?

Basically I had this update planned in my head... that the Shingles were nearly gone, my daughter was nearly better (for those of you who don't know she has been super sick with the cough, fever, etc. since about Thursday - and this has been a rough one), and that my port removal wounds were nearly healed.

Then I was going to go on and talk about how I felt like I was basically having to start over again with my energy level and how it seems that anytime I start to make some progress I get knocked down again and have to claw my way back up.

That is when this Toby Mac song popped into my head. I like Toby Mac. I like how upbeat his music is, oh, and of course that he is a Christian performer. My son's also like him and I have some very fun memories of Toby Mac songs playing in our home and watching all of them dance in our living room. Okay, so I danced too since we are being honest here - how can you not dance to Toby Mac?. :-)

Anyway, I went to find the lyrics for the song - Get Back Up Again by Toby Mac - because there was a very specific line I was thinking of... "You may be knocked down, But not out forever" but that is when it happened. I started reading the entire lyrics to the song as it played and I just started crying. Yes, I cried at a Toby Mac song. It was like it took me right back to the beginning when I had just been diagnosed and took me all the way through my battle to where I am today.  I posted the lyrics here below so you can read them for yourself.....

You turned away when I looked you in the eye, 

And hesitated when I asked if you were alright, 

Seems like you're fighting for you life, 

But why? oh why? 

Wide awake in the middle of your nightmare, 

You saw it comin' but it hit you outta no where, 

And there's always scars 

When you fall back far 

We lose our way, 

We get back up again 

It's never too late to get back up again, 

{One day you will shine again,} 

You may be knocked down, 

But not out forever, 

Lose our way, 

We get back up again, 

So get up, get up, 

{You gonna shine again,} 

Never too late to get back up again, 

You may be knocked down, 

But not out forever 

(May be knocked down but not out forever) 

You're rolled out at the dawning of the day 

Heart racin' as you made you little get away, 

It feels like you've been runnin' all your life 

But, why? Oh why? 

So you've pulled away from the love that would've been there, 

You start believin' that your situation's unfair 

But there's always scars, 

When you fall back far 

We lose our way, 

We get back up again 

Never too late to get back up again, 

{One day, you gonna shine again,} 

You may be knocked down but not out forever, 

Lose our way, we get back up again, 

So get up, get up 

{You gonna shine again} 

It's never too late, to get back up again 

You may be knocked down, but not out forever, 

May be knocked down, but not out forever! 

This is love callin', love callin', out to the broken, 

This is love callin'. 

This is love callin', love callin', out to the broken 

This is love callin'. 

This is love callin', love callin', 

I am so broken 

This is love callin' love callin 

Lose our way, (way way way ay ay ay) 

We get back up, (get back up again) 

It's never too late (late late late ate ate ate) 

You may be knocked down but not out forever! 

 Lose our way, 

We get back up again, 

So get up get up 

{You gonna shine again} 

Never too late to get back up again 

You may be knocked down, 

But not out forever, 

This is love (lose our way) callin' love callin' (get back up again) 

To the broken 

This is love (never too late) callin' (may be knocked down but not out forever) 

This is love (lose our way) callin' love callin' (we get back up again) 

To the broken 

This is love (never too late) callin' (may be knocked down but not out forever) 

This is love callin' love callin' 

Out to the broken, 

This is love callin'....

I put some of the lines that really stuck in my heart in bold and as you can see there was one that really hit me.... 

{One day, you gonna shine again,} 

I feel that is what I have not been able to do since I was diagnosed - shine. Shine for Jesus. It took every ounce of energy I had to get through treatment and now it takes every ounce of energy I have to get up in the morning and take care of my kids that I have forgotten what it is like to truly shine. 

Please don't get me wrong - this is not a crisis of my faith. My faith was solid going into cancer and it was solid coming out of cancer. In fact, the other day I had a realization that I did not discover my faith through cancer as so many do, I discovered myself and who God truly wants me to be. Now it is all about living that out and finishing the discovery.

To me, the lyrics of this song was a message of hope that I so desperately needed and the crazy thing is that I didn't even realize I needed it. It is a promise to me that things will be okay and even though it will take time and I may be knocked down 1000 more times.....One day, I will shine again. 

Be careful the next time you listen to a Toby Mac song - you never know what may happen. May you all be blessed and encouraged in the Lord today and always.

Blessings,

Andrea

I am Now Port Free :-)

As mentioned in my last post, I got my port out today. :-) And it was one of the creepiest experiences of my life. I was obviously all numbed up. The doc was really good at giving me more numbing stuff the couple of times I did feel pain. That was nice of him. But it was still very weird.

The best way to describe it was like when you run your nails down a chalk board and grind your teeth at the same time. Yeah, creepy huh? It was just super awkward and very strange to be awake during the experience.

He of course could not get the port out of the original incision so he had to cut a bigger one. The procedure took about an hour. Evidently you have to sew the port to the person when you put it in. I did not know that because I was knocked out when he put it in. He apparently did a very good job at attaching it to me because it took a great deal of time to un-attach it from me.

I am now super sore. I had forgotten how sore I was when they put it in - until now. Now I remember. My cute little precious baby girl is not helping much either. She still views me as her own personal jungle gym and is completely unaware of any hardship that I am enduring at the moment. The story of being a mom. :-) I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I will share more about my day tomorrow. Including some photo opportunities. :-) No, not of the port removal. That would be what I like to call an "over-share".

For now I am all doped up on Tylenol and ready for bed. Yeah, I go straight for the hard stuff. ;-)

Be blessed!
Andrea

A Big Day Today....

During my update of my last scan results I mentioned that I would be getting my port out.............. Well, today is that day!!!!

I almost missed the boat on this one - at least temporarily. Since I wasn't feeling well I waited a couple of days before I called to make the appointment. So when I called last week they informed me that the doc was going on vacation for two weeks and Tuesday (today) was the very last appointment that I could get or I would have had to wait until he got back. Waiting wouldn't have killed me. After all, I have had this thing for 13 months now - what's 2 more weeks. But it is something I want done pretty badly and I was happy that they had one last appointment for me. :-) 

So, 3:30pm today I will be saying goodbye to my port and will finally be free of all foreign devises in my body. Fortunately they can just remove it from the office and it is not necessary to be admitted into the hospital like when they put it in. Pretty excited about that. Pretty excited about the whole thing actually. :-) 

I hope you are all having a very blessed week this week. 

Blessings,

Andrea

Updates - Scan and Overall

Scan Update

Sorry for the delay in updating all of you. After my appointment this a.m. I grabbed lunch and by the time I got home with my kids I was absolutely exhausted so I attempted to rest a bit between adhering to the needs of a 6, 4, and 21 month old. Anyway, I feel like I somewhat got my second wind for the day. (This is a long day for us as Jason doesn't get home from work until late tonight.)

Anyway, the doc appointment went well. The spot in my chest that they are watching is smaller but not gone. Ultimately they would like to see it go away completely so I will definitely be praying that it does.  I got some of the details of my future care ironed out for the most part - what type of testing I will need and when. These are just general guidelines of course, it will ultimately depend on how I do.

Overall Update

Overall I am doing pretty well I think. On my good days I feel like I am operating on about 50% of my optimal energy level. When I have a bad day it feels like I go back down to the 10-15% range and that is pretty rough.

I am now 4 months past treatment and they say that it will take at least 6 more months to feel "back to normal" again. I find that having patience to allow my body to recover is one of my biggest struggles. I just want to feel better already!

Another hard part, as I have said before, is that my outsides don't match my insides. I can feel really bad on the inside but people just see that I look so much better than I did during treatment, so they think I am all better. (Really, it is not hard to look better when you looked like you were dying before.)

It takes a lot of honesty on my part to admit that I am not "super-woman" and that I am still struggling. My first instinct is to say, "Oh no, I am fine. Yep, feel great! Want to see me do a back-flip?" Then wind up in bed for 3 days because of that back-flip. :-)

It is also funny because I can now really see this in other people who are hurting or going through treatment as well. I can see that they really don't feel good at all - even though they are putting on a brave face and it has made me much more sympathetic to those situations.

Anyway, enough rambling. Thank you all for the prayers! Love you all!

Oh, I almost forgot (and I really did almost forget silly me after making such a big deal about this...)

I do get my port out! 

I don't have a date yet but I will definitely let you know. And then I think a "PORT PARTY" is in order.... Anyone want to help me plan it???

Blessings, 
Andrea

A Heartbreaking Story....

As I wrote earlier tonight, I am preparing for my news tomorrow and admittedly I was feeling a little bit "blah" getting ready to face another day of the post-cancer life. I was surfing through the blogs I keep up on tonight passing the time before my brain would finally be ready to turn off and welcome sleep. I went to a blog of a girl who is currently going through chemo right now. You can find her at Little Blue Boo . Even though I can feel every single thing she is going through right now to the very core of my body, she has an amazing attitude about it and I love it.

However, today she had a little blurb about another family that she is doing a fund-raiser for. I just could not resist reading about them even though I knew it was going to be sad. It became a sharp reminder that no matter how bad things are for you - someone else is always going through something worse. You can read more about the family here.

The mama was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma in January 2011 (I was diagnosed Feb. 2011). But here is the kicker - their baby girl was diagnosed with another type of cancer in May of 2011 at 11 months old (she was just a few weeks younger than my baby girl). Their baby girl passed away in Dec. 2011 at 18 months old. My heart literally breaks for them. I cannot imagine what they have or are going through.

I remember standing in my kitchen just a few days after my diagnosis staring off into nothingness. That is when it hit me - I was so grateful it was me and not one of my children. I literally thanked God in that very moment.

You see, I remember what it was like going through all of the surgeries and medical stuff with my oldest boy, Cale. I remember sitting in a rocking chair, holding his tiny little body, and praying that God would give me his pain. He and I did that for the first 14 months of his life (4 surgeries and a tracheotomy tube for those 14 months) and then 2 more surgeries later on and it was the most helpless feeling I have ever experienced in my life. As a mom I was supposed to make things better for him and I couldn't. All I could do was hold him and love him...

12 years later it still takes my breath away and I am so grateful that he made it through it. I cannot imagine life without him.

Anyway, I just felt convicted to share a little bit about this other family. I will be lifting them up in prayer and thought maybe you could too.

Blessings,
Andrea

How Quickly We Forget...

I had my scan on Monday, some of you knew that and some of you didn't because of my lack of blogging lately. If this one comes back clear then I can get my port out. For those of you who don't know what a port is, you can go here and read more about it. This was actually inserted in my chest 1 year and 5 days ago and God willing within the next month I will have it out.

Of all of the stuff I have gone through, the port has been one of the most irritating. I know... sounds weird since I went through chemo and radiation to complain about such a small thing (and no, I should not be complaining at all) but my daughter has no concept of the discomfort she can cause when she crawls all over me and puts her full pressure on "the port". You want to see me instantly go to my knees and cry like a little girl - she can definitely make me go there in a second. Okay, I don't REALLY cry, its like a whimper. I don't want you all to think I am going soft or anything like that. :-)

Anyway, as I went for my scan and they injected me with the junk that supposedly makes me glow on the inside, I was instantly reminded of my "patient days" and how crummy it makes you feel. After the scan and then lunch to celebrate my FIL's bday, I came home and slept for several hours. Again, I was reminded of how much this stuff takes it out of me.

Then, another thought occurred to me (you know I couldn't just leave it there) - how quickly I forgot what it was like to be that full-time patient and how that is such a blessing. It is a lot like child birth. God obviously gave me a very short term memory there because we have 4 and 3 were in less than 5 years. Maybe that isn't short term memory and just craziness - who really knows. Just kidding. I wouldn't trade them for anything. Anyway, I just found myself becoming even more grateful that God has allowed me to forget the discomfort of treatment so quickly. It is truly a gift.

Anyway, I am not sure if this makes sense to anyone else out there. Maybe, just maybe, you too have experienced God's grace in this way before as well.

Blessings,
Andrea