Making it Blog Official - {We are Leaving Grace} -

Well, I haven't blogged in a while and I hate to start off with an announcement like this but it is time to make it "blog official". It was announced at church this past weekend so I felt it was appropriate that I finally talk about it on here.

But you read it right, we are leaving Grace - our home church of almost 7 years, and where my husband has served as youth pastor for over 4 years. I also worked there for over 3 years, until I was diagnosed with cancer. So, we have lots and lots of deep, deep relationships there.

This has not been an easy decision by any means. We have been praying about this for almost a year now. About 9 months ago Jason started seeking counsel form a number of his mentors. They began to lay down a path of confirmation. However, it took many more months for us to see the full plan that God has laid out before us and receive the final confirmation that we needed to know exactly what we were called to do.

There were many difficult parts to this equation but one of them was that I was still so sick for the first half of this year. It was hard to imagine that we were being called in another direction when I felt so lousy all of the time. But God's timing is perfect and I felt like he gave us just enough time to get my feet under me so that I can be the helpmate my husband needs in this next stage of ministry.

Still, even though we knew in our hearts God was calling us to another ministry and I had started feeling better, this was one of the hardest things we have ever had to do. We have so many cherished relationships and even though we plan on carrying those with us wherever we go, it is still going to change things and change is often a scary thing.

Telling our youth group kids was one of the hardest things we have ever had to do in our lives. We love them dearly and as we watched tears stream down many of their faces it literally broke our hearts.

Anyway, I am very relieved now to have all of the "telling" done. It is hard to see disappointment on peoples faces over and over again. Even though they respect our decision and they are happy because we are listening to what God has called us to do, there is still sadness.

It is all just bitter/sweet.

So, if you are one of the ones that felt the bitter/sweet for us, know that we love you. We appreciate your support more than you will ever know. We will do our very best to keep in touch and we just want to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for being who you are in our lives. (Even if you are one who may not know us well and just read my blog, I still appreciate you greatly.) We would not have the cherished memories that we do without you. Blessings to you all.

The Gressman Family

P.S. I will share more about what exactly God has called to do here very soon. :-)

Bad Cancer Day...

My lack of blogging in the last couple of weeks had not been due to bad things.
It has actually been the opposite.

We have been trying to soak up every last minute of summer before we start school.
But more of that later.

Today, however, was not the best day I have ever had.
I am not sharing this because I want to sound selfish in any way.
This is not about me.
This is about sharing my heart every step of this journey to help others.
Even on my bad days when I would prefer to remain quiet.

I feel called to do this to give those who may not have the words a voice to represent what they are gong through.

I feel called to do this to give those who might be looking for a way to help someone in my situation some perspective on some of the things the person they are trying to help may be dealing with.

So, what made this day so difficult? Here is a rundown...

It started with me going to church.
I ran into a friend that I actually went through radiation with.
She gave me the news that her cancer was back.
I tried desperately  to fight back the tears for her.
I failed.

I know her heart.
I know her desire to stay here on this earth to raise her little girl.
I know her fear.
I would do anything to make it all better for her and I can't.
All I can do is pray.

This hit me hard.
It hit me hard for her.
It hit me hard for me.

First, I can't even imagine how hard it would be to know you have to go back into treatment again.
The first time around is hard enough.
But the one thing you do have is ignorance.
Ignorance to the fact of how hard it is really going to be.
The second time around you don't have that anymore.
You know.
And you have to do it anyway.

She is the 4th or 5th person that I was in treatment with that their cancer has come back.
I would be lying if I said that this does not cause me fear for my own cancer journey.
And, this always seems to happen right before I go in for my own scans.

My next scan is only a couple of weeks away.
The battle of the mind began today.
I am praying diligently that I can get it in control again quickly.

Next, our church had a concert tonight where Audrey Assad was the performer.
She shared that last September her husband was diagnosed with cancer.
Hodgkin's Lymphoma.
The same cancer I had.

Then, she shares that she has a friend who is dying this week.
Yes, from cancer.
She has two small children she will be leaving behind.
Even now my tears flow.

My heart just hurts so badly for that family.
My heart also screams, "No, please don't let this happen to me!"
Please God, allow me to stay here.

I just want to raise my children.
I just want to be a wife to my husband.

Finally, we were driving home...
I was just about to ask Jason about his thoughts on all this mention of cancer.
Just at that moment a mom came on the radio and started talking about her 3 year old having cancer.

So, my heart is heavy with so many things tonight.
Sadness.
Worry.
Fear.

Yet, all I can do is remain hopeful.
Keep my faith.
Know that God has already gone before me.
Pray.

And as my husband so gently reminded me of a couple of different times today....

Don't limit God.

Where My {HEART} Has Been

Does your heart ever just feel heavy?
Mine has lately.
I am sure I am not alone

The Aurora Shooting.
My heart has just been breaking for the 12 that were killed and their families.
I took some time to see their faces, learn their names, hear just a part of their story and what wonderful people they were, and cry tears for them. (I visited {here}.)

Then there are the others who are still recovering from their injuries. One special mama really touched my heart. Her six year old daughter was killed and she is in the hospital fighting for her life. The report I mentioned above said that she was in and out of consciousness and they had not told her yet that her daughter was gone.

I have no words to describe the sadness and pain that is in my heart for her. I just cannot even imagine being in that situation and what the entire family must be going through.
I can only pray.


The Columbine Shooting.
If you live in Colorado like we do, you can't have something happen like the Aurora shooting that doesn't take you back to the tragedy of the Columbine shooting.

Some of you may know that my husband worked for the sheriff's dept. that handled the Columbine shooting. Without going into a lot of detail, I can tell you that my husband's direct involvement in the aftermath of that tragic event is something that he has carried with him for the past 13 years and will carry with him for the rest of his life.

We think of and pray often for the families who were affected by the that event often and always will.


Our Hometown Tragedy
This week also marked the 3 year anniversary of our own hometown tragedy where a local police officer lost his life and two other police officers were injured. 

We have taken time to specifically remember and pray for {all} those who were affected by this tragedy.



My {heart} is heavy for these tragedies.


My {heart} mourns for those who were lost.


My {heart} grieves for those who have to survive those losses.


My {heart} prays.  

My Difficult Day

This has been a difficult day. I wrote my blog post earlier to only find that I was being blocked from sharing the link on Facebook. Evidently someone had flagged my blog as "abusive and/or spammy". I have to tell you that this really hurt my feelings more than anything else, so if that was what the person was going for - well then they succeeded.

As I have written each word on here I have literally poured out my heart. I have been as authentic as I could possibly be - in a way that wasn't always comfortable. It has definitely gotten me "out of my box" that is for sure.

Most of you probably won't believe this but I am actually a very private person. I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve and generally Jason is the only one who can really tell if I am upset by something. God has worked on me a bit in all of those areas to say the least and from the very beginning I knew this was something I had to do. I had to share. I had to share for all of those who couldn't, for all of those who were about to go through the same journey I have been on, and for those who love someone going through something similar as to what I am going through.

People have to know how hard it is and for those who are going through something difficult - they have to know that they aren't alone. If God can use me to do those things then it is worth it to me to go through such struggles. So, to have someone classify this as "abusive or spammy" was tough for me.

I have moved past that (and got it worked out with Facebook). I just realized that it was the enemy trying to keep me from doing what I do and we all know that it isn't going to stop me from writing. It is too much of who I am. I would be lost without this form of expression.

So, now on to the rest of my day... we do what we call a "circle prayer" at dinner time. We join hands and each person at the table prays. My children love this.

For the last 11 months I have listened to my children pray for me over and over. "Please God, make my mommy's sickness go away." I tried so hard to protect them from all of this but even at their young ages they knew what was at stake without us even having to tell them.

After my scan on Wednesday, the following day my 6-year-old asked me if I would need any more treatment or if my sickness had gone away. I didn't even realize that he knew I was having a scan done.

Tonight though, it was my 12-year-old. He said that his only prayer was for me to be cancer-free. He prayed so hard and so passionately for me. I know that if I don't get the results that we are hoping for tomorrow that it isn't just going to affect me.... and I think that is the hardest of all. I want them to have their life back too. I want them to have their mom back. I don't want them to have to say these types of prayers anymore. But I have no control over any of that.

Tonight as everyone sleeps - I am still awake. Wondering... and yes, worrying a bit. (I have to be honest.) I remember our former pastor giving a sermon one time and he said that, "worrying is temporary atheism." And he is right. He explained that when we are worrying we are doubting that God is in control. So, each time I start to worry, that pops in my head and it is like being stabbed in the heart. I love God so much and I know He has got this. He has gone before me and is with me now. It is not God that I doubt. It is me. Can I really do this? Can I really go through more treatment if I have to?....

The answer is yes. All you have to do is look at the top of this page and see those four beautiful faces. That is all the inspiration I need. I will do what I need to do. I will fight until my last breath. No matter what tomorrow brings - it will not mean defeat. There will be victory as God will be glorified no matter what.

So, tonight there is a great deal of prayer in my future and once again - like I have done a thousand times before - I will be surrendering it all.

Thank you for reading. I bet you had no idea that you would be reading something so offensive that it would be banned from Facebook because we all know what kind of things can appear on Facebook. I know, I am such a trouble-maker. ;-)

Blessings,
Andrea

Day 7: Fatigue

Today I am tired. I think the roller coaster of emotion has just exhausted me. I had another test today given by a very animated man who has definitley found a way to make the most of his job. :-)

I enjoyed a quiet lunch with my husband, some more appointments, and then home.

My Sadness:
Today is the last day I will be able to nurse Kearyn. The chemo will affect my breast milk from tomorrow on and so she will be on a bottle as of tomorrow. I know it is a small price to pay for being able to enjoy her first birthday, her first steps, being here to teach her to read, watching her graduate from high school, and someday watching her daddy walk her down the aisle but it does pull at my heartstrings.

As any breastfeeding mother knows, it is more than just feeding time. It is such a bonding moment. Something between just my baby girl and me. But like I said, trading weaning her a few months early is worth the chance to experience her life with her. I will dry my mommy tears and hold her like I have never held her before, so thankful that he did give me 8 months and 8 days to nurse my baby girl.