Making it Blog Official - {We are Leaving Grace} -

Well, I haven't blogged in a while and I hate to start off with an announcement like this but it is time to make it "blog official". It was announced at church this past weekend so I felt it was appropriate that I finally talk about it on here.

But you read it right, we are leaving Grace - our home church of almost 7 years, and where my husband has served as youth pastor for over 4 years. I also worked there for over 3 years, until I was diagnosed with cancer. So, we have lots and lots of deep, deep relationships there.

This has not been an easy decision by any means. We have been praying about this for almost a year now. About 9 months ago Jason started seeking counsel form a number of his mentors. They began to lay down a path of confirmation. However, it took many more months for us to see the full plan that God has laid out before us and receive the final confirmation that we needed to know exactly what we were called to do.

There were many difficult parts to this equation but one of them was that I was still so sick for the first half of this year. It was hard to imagine that we were being called in another direction when I felt so lousy all of the time. But God's timing is perfect and I felt like he gave us just enough time to get my feet under me so that I can be the helpmate my husband needs in this next stage of ministry.

Still, even though we knew in our hearts God was calling us to another ministry and I had started feeling better, this was one of the hardest things we have ever had to do. We have so many cherished relationships and even though we plan on carrying those with us wherever we go, it is still going to change things and change is often a scary thing.

Telling our youth group kids was one of the hardest things we have ever had to do in our lives. We love them dearly and as we watched tears stream down many of their faces it literally broke our hearts.

Anyway, I am very relieved now to have all of the "telling" done. It is hard to see disappointment on peoples faces over and over again. Even though they respect our decision and they are happy because we are listening to what God has called us to do, there is still sadness.

It is all just bitter/sweet.

So, if you are one of the ones that felt the bitter/sweet for us, know that we love you. We appreciate your support more than you will ever know. We will do our very best to keep in touch and we just want to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for being who you are in our lives. (Even if you are one who may not know us well and just read my blog, I still appreciate you greatly.) We would not have the cherished memories that we do without you. Blessings to you all.

The Gressman Family

P.S. I will share more about what exactly God has called to do here very soon. :-)

time.

If you have been reading along you will know that in less than 24 hours we receive some big news.
I have been doing a lot off processing.
A lot of coping.
A lot of praying.

But I have been trying my best not to make that my sole focus.
So, I ask my self questions.
Like, if this was the last day before I find out I have to go back into treatment - how do I want to spend it?
Or, how would I want to remember this day by?
It really puts things in perspective for me and forces me into a different mode.
One of living.
Not one of fear.

So, yesterday we spent a little time in Ouray.
We watched the fish.
Played on the playground.
Walked the streets.
Ate yummy food.
Ate ice cream.
Had great company.

It was wonderful.
Yes, win, lose, or draw, I can look back on that day with no regrets.
Because we simply had time.
Time with each other.
Time with friends.
Time doing something fun.
Time making memories.

Honestly, I could not ask for more.

So, I wanted to share some of the memories we made.
Enjoy as we enjoyed.

   

  

More to come....

Sunday Scripture: {Psalm 40:16}

But may all who search for you be filled with joy and gladness in you. May those who love your salvation repeatedly shout, "The Lord is great!"

~ Psalm 40:16, NLT

Beware of the {Joy} Robbers!

I feel like I am pretty joyful in my life. After all, I have a lot to be joyful about. Hey, I woke up this morning - it is a good day! :-) That is pretty much my perspective after what I just went through.
But, I am a mom of four kids - five if your count Jason. (Just kidding - kind of.) So sometimes I just feel like the joyful juice just seems to run out. Anyone with me? Probably not - I am sure I am the ONLY person who goes through this.

Right now I have the "pre-teen". Don't get me wrong - my "pre-teen" is a really good kid. We are so very blessed to have him for a son and I know that my issues with him are really pretty mild compared to what a lot of parents deal with. After all, my husband is a youth pastor so we are aware. I will just leave it at that.

Our issues with Cale are like - stop reading so much. I'm serious. The child would read 24 hours a day if he could and I love the fact that he loves to read so much. But there are other things in life that must happen. Like showers and eating. We do get the occasional "pre-teen" attitude from time-to-time but most of the time he is an excellent kid.

Then I have the 6 year old, the 4 year old, and the 19 month old. That is where things start to get a little busier.... (understatement)

Most of the time things are what they are. We go with the flow. Not life or death obviously. But then there are these moments... I call them the "joy robbers". For example, every time we go to leave our home I feel like there is an invasion of the "joy robbers". I will get Kearyn (19 months) ready to go and go to find the 4 year old. I will look over every square inch of the house to only find him a half an hour later hiding in a cupboard that only a mouse could fit into. (Small exaggeration but you know what I mean.)

Then, I turn around to find the the 19 month old has completely undressed herself - tights, dress, hair bow, and yes, even the diaper from time-to-time, completely gone!

That is when I feel it. My blood pressure goes up a notch. I just want to sit down bury my head in my hands and tell them that mommy doesn't want to play this game anymore... stop hiding in cupboards and keep your close on. Please! And that is only 2 of the 4 children I have.

However, as I have recently felt the "joy robber" invasion I have decided to do things differently. It is basically the equivalent of "stop-drop-and roll" - you know what the firemen told us to do as a kid... Well, mine is STOP - THINK - CHOOSE. (Hey, I have to keep it simple or I will never remember it. Then  my blood pressure would go up another notch for not remembering.)

I stop whatever it is that I am doing in that moment. (Even if it is being curled up in the fetal position and crying in the corner.) I think about what it is happening. Someone is trying to rob my joy in this moment. Then I make a different choice. I choose to see the joy in that moment and I choose to keep my joy. I refuse to let the "joy robbers" steal it from me.

Sometimes I just have to laugh at the moment. Or I find something to be grateful for in that moment - like the fact that my 4 year old son is so creative that he even thought of that cupboard as a hiding place. Or that my daughter is even here with me in this moment at all. When I fill my thoughts and my heart with gratefulness my perspective changes almost instantly. The blood pressure goes down and I can resume whatever it is that I am doing with joy in my heart.

How are the "joy robbers" treating you lately?


The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. ~ John 10:10

Moving Forward...5 Tips on How to Get Going

I was actually writing about something else today and this topic was just laid very heavy on my heart so I switched gears.

I feel very much like I am starting over in life. Now this is both good and bad. It wasn't like my life was bad before. I loved my life. But obviously that season needed to come to an end for me so a new season could begin. (scripture reference: Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

This can happen for many reasons - not just because of an illness. We see this happen when people go through a divorce, a death of a loved one, a career change, maybe when your children grow up and leave home... the reason isn't so much of the focus here but more of what happens next.

I feel like I just woke up from a long sleep and everything is different now. The schedule that I had once lived by is non-existent. I had to let go of all the activities and groups that I was apart of before as well. My kids are different for this has changed them too. My relationship is different with my husband, my other family members, as well as my friends. Again, different doesn't necessarily mean bad... it is just that...different. And it all takes time to adjust.

But in the midst of all of these changes you can feel a bit overwhelmed. You wonder how you even begin to move forward. You look around your house, you look at your relationships, and you look at all you need to do -  and it can be very intimidating.

As I was processing this today, I thought of how easy it could be to do nothing. Just retreat. Just say that it is too big and give up allowing the illness, divorce, loss, relationship change, career status, or whatever else that may be causing this to consume you - to become your identity.

It would be so easy to isolate yourself and never become the new person God is calling you to be and never enjoy the fruits of the new season you are being called to live in.

So, how do you move forward? How do you re-prioritize, re-establish, re-commit to things in this new season. Here are a few steps that I have come up with for myself that may help you as well if you find you are in the same situation I am in.

1. Pray. 

Ask God to give you the wisdom to know how you need to move forward. Ask him for the strength to do it. It is so easy to jump back into the "old life" and there are probably aspects of that old life that you will go back to but there may be some things that you were meant to let go of too.

I remember our old pastor giving a sermon one time on the things you do. He said just because God called you to do them 2 years ago does not mean he is calling you to do them today. That is so true and we must be prayerful about each and every thing before we place it back into our lives. Just because it was there before does not mean that it is meant to be there now.

2. Prioritize.

So after you pray, then God will help you set the priorities that you need to have. With my situation, I am dealing with a limited amount of energy. So, I can't have the list of priorities that I once had. I will share my list of priorities with you now and how I am currently addressing them.

My Faith - I know for a fact that I cannot let this slip one bit. I need to be continually seeking and growing in this area. How am I going to work on this - church, bible study, and actually writing believe it or not. I feel like my writing is a very strong form of worship in my life and it definitely keeps me centered and focused on the cross.

My Family - This is where things start to get more complicated for me. I want to pour into my family but I start to run out of energy very quickly. So, it has become more about the quality of time I spend with them right now and not necessarily the quantity of time. Now, don't get me wrong. I am with my children all of the time as they are at home with me so that equates to a lot of time being under the same roof as they are. But ultimately, if the quality is not there then that is just what it is - time under the same roof.

My goal is to make the moments I spend with my children as meaningful as possible. So, that means that I really engage with my oldest son when he has one of his conversations with me about ancient history, how some battle was fought and with what kind of weapons they used. Instead of thinking of other things, my focus is on him.

The same goes for my husband. Even if I only get 15 minutes with him before one of us has fallen asleep at night then that 15 minutes needs to be as meaningful as possible.

My Friends - Ultimately I know that I have not been a very good friend this past year. The thing about friendships is that they take some degree of energy and investment on both sides. When I was unable to make that investment some of my friendships weakened or were even lost. It doesn't make it easy by any means.

Because this is such a difficult area it is tempting to just throw myself back into these relationships full force. But once again I remind myself that I am still operating on a very limited level of energy and I must ease my way back into things. That leads me to my next tip....

3. Baby-steps.

As I mentioned before, it is very easy to become overwhelmed and then not want to do anything. You freeze-up because you just don't even know where to begin. The key here is to just start somewhere. Anywhere. And move forward with baby-steps. You don't have to be 100% overnight.

This doesn't even have to relate to a major event in your life. Perhaps you have just slipped a bit or wake up one day and don't like the choices you have made but are unsure of how to get back to where you need to be. Just make one baby-step in the direction you need to go. Maybe this means that you get back into the word a certain amount of time each day. If you are like me and are needing to reorganize your house - well, just start with one small section and go from there. Again, it is important to just move forward - not necessarily how much you move forward.

4. Grace.

Be sure to have grace for others as well as for yourself. I have found that people rarely understand the trial that you are in unless they have been there first hand themselves. But this doesn't mean that they don't want to understand.

Each time I share some of my experiences with a friend and they realize truly how hard chemo was and how badly it affected me - their perspective changes. They provide me the grace I need not to be expected to jump back into everything overnight.

You also need to have grace for yourself. I talked a great deal about this in a post I wrote a couple of days ago. (You can read that here.) You cannot have unreasonable expectations for yourself and if you fall short, then it is even more critical to have grace for yourself in those times as well.

5. Enjoy.

This is critical for me personally. I do miss different aspects of my life before all of this but I have so much to be joyful for in this new season as well. Any time I start to feel a bit overwhelmed I just think back to how far I have come, the victories I have seen, and the many things I have to be grateful for now.

So, if you are in a similar boat as I am in - maybe this post can be meaningful to you. Moving forward isn't always easy but definitely worth it.

A Different Kind of Joy

One thing that some people would never associate with cancer is joy. But as I have walked through this journey I have noticed some very distinctive times where I experience shear joy. Perhaps you become more aware of these moments because there are so many struggles along the way and when you feel joy it is more enhanced because of those hard times. 

I remember the first time I felt this joy.... it was July 13, 2011. It was the day I finished my chemo treatments. Now keep in mind, this was kind of a clouded joy as I had just spent the last 6 hours being pumped full of drugs. But I still felt joy. As my friends and family surrounded me outside the cancer center and offered me gifts of flowers and balloons to help me celebrate... I felt joy. 

The next time I remember feeling this joy was the day I finished radiation. This joy was even more powerful than the joy I felt after chemo. (A lot of this probably had to do with the fact that I was not pumped full of drugs that day.) But I really felt joy in that moment. I did it. I had endured a month of radiation every single day. As the staff played music and through confetti in my hair... I felt joy. 

The next time I felt this type of joy was 2 days ago. It was the oddest thing - I met with my first doctor and he gave me the news, yet, I held my heart back. I then went to the second doctor and he confirmed the news, yet, I still held back for some reason - like I was too afraid to believe it. It wasn't until he said the words, "You are now a cancer survivor," that it really hit me. That shear joy. I had done it. I had made it to the end. I had battled for my life and I had won. I felt joy. 

Today I woke up and had that joy as well. It was just a beautiful joy-filled day. (I am sure yesterday was the same I was just too tired to realize it.) But anyway, all I have right now is joy. 

The crazy thing is that I would have never chosen this for myself. If God would have given me a menu of "growth opportunities", there is no way I would have selected the "cancer" box. But if I wouldn't have gone through all of this I would have never felt this different kind of joy I am experiencing today. 

Would I do it again? Umm.... probably not. (Just being honest here.) But it is just a beautiful reminder of God's love for us. Not only will he walk through the valley with us but while we are standing on the mountain top he will show us the rainbow. I am on the mountain top right now and I can tell you... the view is beautiful. 

Blessing and Love,

Andrea