Tomorrow: Test Result Day

As I hold my sleeping daughter, I am experiencing all kinds of emotions about tomorrow. Tomorrow will decide a lot of things. Tomorrow will mean that I either get my life back and can once again establish a normal routine for living or I will continue on as a patient with more treatment. I am obviously routing for the first option.

In the meantime, I have been spending as much time with my husband and children as possible. One thing that I have realized through all of this is that so many times we focus on a certain event in time - whether it is the wedding day, the due date, the birthday,..... or the test result day..... whatever it is... we focus on that day so much that we miss all of the joy in the days leading up to that moment. For the past 11 months I have been very deliberate in not doing this.

If I would have spent the last two months worrying about tomorrow - I would have missed so many incredible moments. I would have just been existing and not really living.

So, tomorrow can go one of two ways and I have done my best to prepare my heart for both. I know some of you will think that my preparing for either result may be a reflection of a lack of faith. However, this is not a faith issue at all. I have faith in God and that has never wavered. It is just about being realistic.

Of course I have hope that God has healed me through the treatment I have already received. I hope that with all my heart. But I am also realistic that God may not have that in store for me just yet and I need to be obedient in whatever he calls me to do. And I will. 


In the meantime I dream of a joy that I have never experienced before. A cancer-free joy. For until you walk through the valley you can never experience the joy of the mountain top.

Blessings and love to all who read this.

Andrea

Emotions...

For the past 7 months - every since I was diagnosed - I have just been super emotional every time I have gone to church. I am not a "crier" by definition - or at least I didn't use to be.

I remember the very first movie I ever cried at... "My Girl". For those of you who have seen it - you know what I am talking about - you would have to be made of Teflon not to cry at a movie like that. (And for all you youth group kids reading this I don't even want to hear about how you have never heard of such and ancient movie. No Googling it and making comments on how it is SO OLD and absolutely NO COMMENTS on my age. I have worked hard for my 32 years and I am proud of them! LOL) Anyway, I still remember my friend Tanya and I seeing it together and both crying during the movie and then pretending like we didn't cry afterwards. Why - I don't know. Ha! I still laugh when I think about that.

I remember my emotions really kicking up a notch when I became a mom and I think with each child I have become more emotional... and then the cancer, well that has put me over the top. I am not emotional out of sadness - it is just like I feel so loved. I feel grateful. I feel overwhelmed. Sure there are times where I get scared - I am human of course. There are times when the doubt starts to creep in and I don't know if I am really doing the right thing - if I am really hearing God's voice but then I just pray some more and God brings me back to where I need to be. Once again I find that peace and I just know he is going to heal me.

Emotions use to scare me but they don't any more. I am grateful that I have them and that I get to experience a love that is so great that there are sometimes no words - only tears. I am grateful for a God that knows what I need even though I cannot explain it but instead only cry out to him.

If I could tell you one thing that I have been able to learn time and time again, it would be... don't be afraid to cry out to God. Wherever you are at... He will meet you there.

Emotions are Running High!

This past week has been super emotional for me. Every time I sat down to blog I would start getting teary eyed and just not wanting to face the emotion of it all I would find myself wondering off to do something else. The emotion is not bad - what we have gone through is very emotional. I have had times where I have laughed and times that I have cried - and I am so thankful that I am alive to do both. But when you have a husband and 3 boys who are very tuned into their wife and mother - if they see me crying they immediately want to rush in a fix what is wrong and this isn't something that can be fixed.

I can't even tell you why I am so emotional. Maybe because I am at the end and I have been waiting and dreaming of this all to be over for nearly 6 long months. Maybe it is because I am scared that this next chemo treatment will be worse than the last one and I don't want to go through that again - EVER! Maybe it is because I am afraid the cancer really isn't gone and they will deliver me the news that I will need more treatments - or worse. I find myself thinking about that and holding my breath slightly - hoping for the best but still fearing the worst.

Anyway, I am also super emotional because my friend Autumn came over on Thursday and dropped off meals galore to get us through this next chemo treatment (Wednesday). She had called in the troops and they filled our freezer with the most amazing meals. That probably makes me the most emotional. Despite the fact that I usually can't eat that much during my treatments and my taste-buds are completely dead.... my friends are taking care of my family while I can't and that brings so much joy to my heart it is truly overwhelming. It is overwhelming because they know my heart is for my family and they know that if they are taken care of that I will rest easier which will allow my recovery to come much sooner. Through that I feel so loved....thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all you have done to love on me but more importantly for loving on my family.

I really feel like God is just clearly reminding me how very blessed I am. As I watched the fireworks - one of my very favorite holidays - I just soaked it all up. I was so thankful to be able to experience that once again with my family. As I have my birthday coming up tomorrow for the first time since my early twenties I am truly grateful to be turning another year older. (Yeah, I never thought that would happen.) And for those of you who are secretly wondering how old I am and are just too polite to ask (for all of you who aren't my Facebook friends where it is so glaringly displayed) I will be 32 and I am very very proud of it. (Here I go again with the tears...)