{inspired'11}: Day 1 - 30 Days to Live....

{inspired'11}

day.1


{My Prompt Response}

I remember, (Wow! It was actually 10 months ago from today!) when I was first diagnosed that the thought that I was going to die in the near future was very real to me. So, as I think about this question - if I only had 30 days to live, how would I spend it? - I would most likely do the very same things that I did when I was first diagnosed with cancer – only even more deliberate.

I remember that it was very difficult for those who were closest to me to see me plan for the worst. Many would tell me that I needed to be optimistic - they would reassure me time and time again that I was going to be fine - they would tell me to keep my faith. It wasn't that I was not optimistic - that I didn't believe with all my heart that I was going to be fine - or that I didn't have faith…. What was going through my mind at that time was that you never know what is going to happen. I wanted to hope for the best but be prepared just in case.  

I am sure that nearly everyone else out there that is diagnosed with one form of cancer or another (or any other potentially life-threatening disease) do not actually believe that they are going to die. But the fact remains, that sadly some of them do. I knew that even though I hoped and prayed to the very core of my soul that it wouldn't be me - it could be…. I also knew that if it were me - I had a duty and a responsibility to my husband and my children to leave as much of "me" behind as I possibly could. 

The first thing I started doing was writing on {here} as much as possible. I wanted my children to know my voice and if I wasn’t going to be here so they could verbally hear me then at least they would have my written word. I wanted them to know my journey – even the struggles. I wanted them to know how hard I fought for them to stay here as long as I possibly could. How I didn’t go easily. I wanted them to know my love for them and their daddy. How it was an honor to be Jason’s wife and Cale, Ky, Creide, and Kearyn’s mama.

Most importantly – I wanted them to know how much I love God. Despite it all – I love the Lord with all my heart and I wanted them to know that I wasn’t angry at Him, I didn’t blame Him, all I had was love. Even though I had cancer and was going through the hardest time of my life – I knew God was right there with me and without Him I wouldn’t have any of it…. Not even the good things that I cherish so much.

The next thing I did was have our family pictures taken. My friend, Jess (you can see her work {here}), graciously agreed to take them for us and I will truly be forever grateful for her heart of willingness. She did an amazing job and was able to truly capture the personality of our family. I will treasure those memories forever. 

It was important for me to have these done right away. I didn’t want them done 6 months down the road with my hair gone and me looking awful because of the months of drugs that had been pumped into my body. I wanted my husband and my children to remember me as healthy as they possibly could.

When the pictures were taken I had actually already gone through one chemo treatment. I remember the thought of cancelling went through my mind because I didn’t feel very well at all but I am so grateful that I didn’t.

Another thing that I did was I arranged a potluck and invited all of our friends and family. I knew that the next few months were going to be tough and that I wouldn’t be able to see them very much. I wanted one last time where we could get together and celebrate life together.

If I knew that I only had 30 days to live… after I did all of the things listed above I would spend every second possible with my husband and my children. I would ask my husband to take off as much time from work as possible and I would create as many memories as I could with them. I would document everything – both in writing and with photos. I would write letters to each of them and make sure that I was right with God….

How would you spend your last 30 days?

You can post your comments below (even anonymously) or you can email them to me at andreagressman (at) gmail.com  

This is a {prompt-response} for the {inspired'11} series I am doing for the month of December. If you would like to participate, check back daily for the writing prompt. It is as simple as that! 

Day 1: The Shock...

Day 1: The Shock....


It is important that I document this as it happens. I don't know what the future holds. I am praying that I will one day be able to reflect on this as a distant memory and that it will provide hope to others going through hard times themselves. Until then, they are just my hopes, dreams, prayers and fears as I live them out....

What in the world happened?
Yesterday I went to the doctor to see about a lump I have on my neck. It has been there for a while and I had it checked out before (that is a whole different story entirely) but for the past 2 weeks or so I noticed a significant change. With 4 kids, a busy life, and just a shear desire to avoid doctors offices in general, I reluctantly realized that this probably wasn't related to the recent cold that I was experiencing and needed to get it checked out.

The initial doctor was concerned. She thought it had to do with my thyroid. She said that it probably would have to be removed or at least part of it. There was also a chance it was thyroid cancer. The sound of that was terrifying. It was also confusing because I had specifically asked if it was my thyroid when I first found it a few months back and they had said no, my thyroid was fine and they thought it was a cyst. But that is here nor there now. She scheduled a CT-scan for the next morning and scheduled an appointment with the surgeon on Thursday. It was a long and emotional night for my husband and I, but we were determined to hang on to our faith. God would provide.

The Next Day
I went to the CT-scan and immediately knew something was wrong. The technician just had me lay there for the longest time. She let Jason back in the room and continued to scurry around. I heard the phone ring several times but couldn't hear the conversations. I asked Jason what was wrong and he didn't know either. Finally, she said that the doctor wanted to talk to me before I left. That was when I knew something was really wrong. In all my experiences with ultrasounds, x-rays, etc. I have never had the doctor request me to stay and talk to me. The results always went to my doctor first.

My suspicions, unfortunately, were right. The doctor said that he thought I had Lymphoma, a cancer of the lymph system. Jason and I just sat there. What can you say at that point? I tried hard to pay attention to everything he was saying but it was like I was in a fog.

We went back out to the waiting room where several of our close friends and family members had gathered, I just sat and cried. I am 31 years old. I am a wife and a mother to four. This couldn't be happening to me. Cancer has always been one of my biggest fears but surely it wouldn't happen to me, not when my children were so young. They still needed their mom.

From there I was rushed to get a biopsy and then on to the oncologist. I was not strong in the least. I broke down several times, which if you know me, you know is unusual. I just kept thinking the worst. I also kept reliving the fact that I had found this lump months ago and had not taken care of it. Finally a sweet nurse told me that there was nothing I could do about that now- I just had to move forward. She was right. There was no point in living in the past.

I  finally met with the oncologist. He sat down with Jason and I and endured my tears. I told him that I have four little kids at home and I needed to know if I was going to be okay or not. That is when he told me that this type of cancer that he suspects I have  has a 90%, not only recover, but curability rate. That was like music to my ears. It may have only been a drop of hope in an entire ocean of fear and sadness but it was all I needed. That is what I am clinging to.

The Rest of the Night
The rest of the night was touch and go to be honest. This single day started the greatest "battle of the mind" that I have yet to face in my life. I consciously had to dismiss one negative thought after another and replace it with something positive. They also instructed me that I couldn't nurse my baby girl for 24 hours and that was probably the hardest part of it all. All she wanted to do was nurse and I couldn't. Of course, she didn't understand. It was just a tough night.

My Thoughts....

Written February 2, 2011

My mind is absolutely numb from all of the information I have received today. To say that I am not scared would be a lie. I am terrified. I keep thinking of my four beautiful children and cannot imagine leaving them in this world without a mother. Jason is an incredible father but he shouldn't have to do in alone, should he? I know God is ultimately in control of all of this but I desperately seek Him for reassurances, grasping at any hope that I can find. 

It has been a difficult day for all. My dear husband has had to endure far more than he should. My baby girl unable to nurse for the first time in her 8 months and 1 day of life and she completely does not understand. My three boys have a distant awareness of what is going on as they have been staying with grandmas today. 

The "what ifs" race through my mind and I know I need to stop them. The love and support I feel from all is overwhelming. There are no words. With each offer of help, with each act of kindness, there is hope.

Today I have been blessed in the following ways: I cannot believe the medical attention that I received just today! They were so kind, supportive, and just wonderful. They kept apologizing for rushing me around and all I could say was "Thank You!" I couldn't imagine having all of this spread out over 2 weeks. I want to get to the bottom of this so I can move forward.

I have been blessed with so much support from my family and friends. I have been blessed with such a wonderful husband.  My family and friends were available for support even when I did not ask. I know that it is just as hard on them to watch me go through this as it is for me to go through this. I am so grateful.

Prayer requests for today: I pray for wisdom and discernment for all the medical staff involved. I pray that, if it is indeed cancer, that it is truly the "curable" kind that they speak of. I pray for my husband, that you give him peace throughout this as well as strength. I pray for my children, just please protect them. I pray for my oldest son who is so incredibly worried about his mama and my baby girl who does not understand why she cannot nurse as she has every day of her life. I pray for the rest of my family and my friends as well. God bless them all for blessing me as they have.