Waiting & Praying

I know I am dreadfully behind on my blogging. All I can say is "sorry" to you all who look forward to reading it each day. My mind and my heart have been elsewhere for a while - not because I didn't want to be here but I just couldn't be here.

I couldn't figure out why I didn't want to write anything over the past week or so. At first I just chalked it up to the fact that I had a couple of rough treatments and I was just beyond exhausted. But it wasn't until today that I realized the real reason why. It was because I felt like my cancer was now running my life.

Each of my days are defined by how the cancer is making me feel. They are defined by treatments and medications, doctors appointments - they are defined by the dread of what comes next. This is not what life should be defined by. It should only be defined by God and God alone.

I feel like I have done my very best to see God's wisdom in it all, to trust Him, and to feel His peace. But suddenly all the lines became blurred. I started to feel like the "cancer" had taken over my life and I didn't like it at all. I don't like being sick and tired all of the time. I don't like that my husband and my kids don't like it - I think that is the worst part. I know they are so tired of this and they want their wife and mom back.

I know that things can never go back to the way they were before - I don't want them too. I have learned to much, I have gone too far to just suddenly wish it all away. But I do desire the simple things. I have said before that I don't ever feel I have taken my children for granted - Jason and I have lost too much to ever let that happen. But I did take for granted my role in their lives. This is something I will never do again.

I just had to get away from it for a little while. (At least in my mind.) I had to focus on some other things. Fortunately God has provided me with some great research opportunities that have allowed me to focus on something besides the cancer. And through that reprieve that God provided I was able to refocus on what I really needed to be focused on all along - God.

Today I had my PET Scan. The stuff they gave me knocked me down a bit which is really unfortunate because this is suppose to be my "good week" but I am glad we are to this stage of the game. Now we are just waiting and praying for the results. I am praying that the cancer is gone and that I am in remission. I am praying that I don't need that many more treatments. I would like it to be no more treatments to be really honest with you but I am preparing myself in case that is not my reality. I remind myself that the doctor said originally that I would have to go through 8-12 treatments. I mentally prepared myself for 12 treatments at that time. Anything less than 12 is a miracle.

Blessing to you all,
~Andrea

Day 48: Family Time

The Monday before my treatment is always a bitter-sweet day for us. It is one of the days that I feel the very best but it is also the last day that I really get to spend some good quality time with my family before treatment again. Monday is Jason's day off before he heads back into the office Tuesday.

This Monday we decided to enjoy a lunch as a family at a BBQ restaurant in town. The food was good, the kids were good, and we just really enjoyed our time together. Kearyn also got to try her first French fry! 

She is such a happy baby! 

These are the moments that get me through this. These are the moments that God gives me to cling to. 

Day 47: Barrel Monkeys & Pipe Cleaners

This has started to become increasingly difficult for my children to handle I am afraid. It is obvious that they are sick and tired of me being sick and tired. I noticed it more after treatment #3. During my "good week" it was like they were inseparable from me. If I was on the couch, they piled all around me on the couch as well. If I was in bed, they were all on the bed with me. It is like I have this heard of followers wherever I go. I obviously don't mind but it does hurt my heart that I can't do all the things I did with them before. I keep telling myself it is just a season but I am increasingly ready for this season to be over.

My life long hearts desire was to be a wife and a mother. However else God chose to use me, I was fine with. But first and foremost, I knew those were my two rolls above all else. It is hard right now to not be the wife and mother that I feel God has called me to be. It is hard for me to lay that down, even if it is just a season.

As I have shared, we have had so many offers of support and love - provided in so many ways - we are truly blessed. But one of my requests was that some of my friends get us some "quiet" activities for the boys to do while I was in bed recovering from my treatments. This way we could still spend time together and they wouldn't be tempted to jump around all over because I am pretty sore after my immunity booster shot. Anyway, several of my dear friends really took some time to get the boys some fun things and for that I am grateful.

One of our friends, Lisa, delivered a great big blue tub of stuff, which has now been dubbed the "activities bucket". The boys know that they can go get something out of the tub and then we can play with it together. Today, the two younger boys each picked something. Creide (who is 3) picked Barrel Monkeys and Ky (who is 5) picked pipe cleansers. I never knew you could have so much fun with Barrel Monkeys and pipe cleaners.

They had me building all kinds of things out of the pipe cleaners - things I didn't even know were possible. Each time I would give them something they would give me a "great job Mom!" and I knew I had done okay.

There is a lot about this cancer and chemo treatment that I would chose to forget if I could. The nausea that I have had to deal with throughout my treatment, the nasty taste that I get in my mouth for days and days, and the intense fatigue I have experienced - but this is a memory I will choose not to forget. Playing with Barrel Monkeys and pipe cleaners with my boys.

Day 46: I Will Overcome

Saturday I rested a lot. The previous days activities had really worn me out. But, I was determined to go to church. I had not been in 2 weeks. The kids were all sick 2 weeks ago and then I had a rough chemo treatment the week prior- I was definitely missing it. Travis, our Worship Pastor, played a song that I don't listen to often. I have kindly linked it below so you can listen as well. But before that I wanted to give you the lyrics. I was actually really surprised at how close this song described my physical, mental, and spiritual condition. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it.

And I can see that my hands are trembling, I can see that my legs are weak
I can see that my head is spinning, but I will overcome
And I know that my heart is hurting, And I know that my soul it aches
And I know that it seems I'm failing, but I will overcome, yeah

Chorus:
O Lord I'm strong in You, O Lord I am wise in You
O Lord I can see in You, so I will overcome
O Lord I'm loved by You, O Lord I am free in you
O Lord I'm complete in You
So I will overcome, I will overcome, I will overcome

Bridge:
God listen to me shout, I'm so far from anywhere and I'm calling out
Lead me, lead me to the rock that is higher than I
You're my breath, You're my breath, You're my very life
Infinite, Holy King meets weak and frail Christ in me
And I will overcome not by my strength but by Your grace and love 

Day 45: Dinner and a Hair Cut.....{Part 3}

After my wonderful time getting my hair cut it was time to get ready for the fundraiser my mom had put together for me. My family has deep country roots and so she planned a night of "Dinner & Dancing" with a good ol' country bad.

We first had a baked potato bar with all the fixings. Country music artist Gary Lear performed for us during our dinner. If you haven't had a chance to listen to his music, you need to. You can visit his website here: Gary Lear's Web Site

Here is a quick way to listen to his music. For you country fans - you are going to love it. :-) (For those of you who are getting this delivered via email you are going to have to go to the blog to be able to hear his music. Be sure to mute my background music so you can be sure you can hear his. :-) You can do that if you scroll to the bottom.

After dinner was done people kicked up their heals to the Northfork Country Band. The lead singer being Bill Long.

Jason and I just felt so blessed that so many of our friends and church family came out to see us. It was kind of like a reunion. I saw people there that I haven't seen in years. There were people there that have known me since they were my kids' age and it was just very neat to visit with them all.

There are so many people I need to thank for their time, help, donations for the silent auction, food, and the list goes on an on. Please know that you all are in Jason and I's prayers. Literally - Jason has a notebook that we write everyone who has done anything for us - from meals to money and everything in between - and we pray over those names often.

Thank you again for everyone's love and support for us through this journey. We could not do it without each and every one of you. Love you all and blessing to you.

~Andrea

Day 45: Dinner and a Hair Cut.....{Part 2}

So, as I shared in the "Part 1", Friday was hair cut day. My long time friend, Pam, had offered as soon as she heard I was diagnosed to cut my hair for me, and continue to cut my hair as needed, through the chemo process. I tell you what, the hour I was in her chair was just so relaxing to me. We talked about all kinds of things.

I do have a prayer request for Pam and her husband. They started the process of an international adoption over 3 years ago and they are still waiting for their baby girl to come home. Please, please, please lift this family up in prayer. I know we have to trust God's timing in all of this but I know first hand the power of prayer. I know He can bring this baby girl home to her mommy and daddy who are here waiting.

The second prayer request I have for this family is financial support. Me being me, of course I had to ask Pam if she and her husband would be willing to adopt another baby in the meantime. (Hey I have four kids ;-)  In no way was I saying to give up on their little girl - but they have had a homestudy done every year for the past 3 years, their paperwork done countless times, they are this perfectly wonderful couple just waiting to fill their home with children and I know there are children out there waiting for a mommy and daddy.....it seems like such a tragedy to me that they don't have a child yet. She told me that they would be willing to adopt another child in addition to their baby girl but they have invested everything into their first baby girl.

I am determined when I am well and done with my chemo to help them get the financial means they need to bring a baby home. If you are reading this and have a heart to help the orphan and the families who want to bring them home, please email me. Our church has recently started a Faith In Action ministry that is trying to do just that and we can use your help. I know we, as the Body of Christ, can do this! If you have fundraising ideas - let me know.

Anyway, when my friend, Pam and I parted ways she said that she had asked God for the words to encourage me through this time in my life - like she hadn't already done enough - but then she reminded me of something from when I was in high school that brought back a ton of memories that I had actually not thought about in years. I use to run all of the time. Well, I actually played volleyball, basketball, and ran in track. Running wasn't my favorite of these three sports - basketball was hands down - but I like to win and so that kept me going in track. Basically I loved the race but didn't like the training so much. Most of my running career I suffered from severe shin splints. They were so bad at several points that I could barely walk. But I would go down early for practice every day, stick both of my legs in and ice bucket until my legs were numb, let the trainer tape my legs up to just below my knees, and then I would complete my workout. I pretty much did that for all 4 years of my high school running career. It was extremely painful pretty much all of the time. No wonder childbirth wasn't ever that bad for me.

So, God laid it on Pam's heart to remind me of my perseverance through that time. As I thought back on what I did every day I honestly can't tell you why I did it. I just knew that was I had to do to get the job done and so I did it. Kind of like me going through chemo now. I don't know how I really get through it but I know it is my job now to do it so I can be well again and so I do it. I am just so amazed how God taught me all these lessons throughout my life to prepare me for things like battling cancer. I am grateful for the heart He has given me. I am grateful for my fighting spirit, the endurance that He blessed me with. People use to think it was crazy that I was a distance runner and now I know why He did it. So, I could run the distance now.

I am grateful for my friend Pam and for her seeking God for the "perfect" message for me. Through her faithfulness and obedience I was truly blessed - and I got a cute hair cut. :-)

Love you all and wish you a very blessed day!

~Andrea

Attention: For Those Who Have Boys........{Boys (Lesson One) - Jars of Clay}

My friend Leah and I were able to see a Jars of Clay concert 2 years or so ago (wow, it didn't seem to be that long ago.) This is one, if not the, favorite song of the night for me. At the time we did not have Kearyn and so I was exclusively a "boys mom" and proud of it. :-) I heard this song and it just touched my heart. I want so badly for my boys to learn these lessons in life. For all of you who have boys - I think you will enjoy it. For all of you who have raised your boys - maybe it will be a way for you to look back fondly at the years you were able to teach these lessons. Regardless, I hope you enjoy.

For those of you who are receiving this by email, once again you will have to go the the blog to listen. I hope it is worth it.