My New Struggle: {Doubt}

Like I need a new struggle.... but I have one.... It is....

{Doubt}

This past week I have really struggled with this. The doubts just start creeping in and I have to literally stop whatever I am doing and pray it/them away. Some of your remember my post from February 19th, {Faith & Fear} - I tell you what, I just went back and re-read that post and talk about ministering to myself. There I was - only 2 weeks past being diagnosed and I was honestly in a better a place than I am in now. 

A few things have happened since that time... namely 9 more chemo treatments.... falsely thinking I would be done with chemo nearly a month ago... and I definitely wasn't so tired. Those are no excuses though... my focus should be on the cross no matter what. 

When I went back and read that {Faith & Fear} post I remembered mentioning having a fear of the "unknown" - well I think the "What if's" can be classified right along with the "unknown" category. 

What if ...... the cancer is not gone?

What if....... the chemo is not working?

What if....... I have to go through more treatments?

What if....... I get another type of cancer?

What if....... there is nothing they can do, I die anyway, and leave my husband with 4 small children to raise? You see, it isn't the death I fear - I know where I am going - it is the pain my family will have to endure if I do die. That is the thought that stings the most. 

I can go on forever. But I have to just completely stop myself. I have to pray, pray, pray and realize that once again this is not about me - it is about God and his will. And by playing the "what-if" game - I am not honoring him and I am not bringing glory to him. The chemo doesn't heal me - God does. The doctors aren't the ones that will keep me here - God will. If I have to go through more treatments....God will give me the strength. And if he does decide to take me home....He will never leave or forsake my husband or my children. He is in control and he has it all planned out - and he makes all things good....

Yes, it is easy to have faith when rainbows and lollipops are falling from the sky - it is much harder when life's adversities emerge. But as my pastor told me not so long ago... God is doing a work in my heart right now...... it is just up to me to let him do it. 

I know I am not the only one who has struggles at this time. I talk to people nearly everyday that have something just as big - and even bigger - than my cancer. My prayer for you is that you don't let the doubt creep in... pray it away just as quickly as it arrives. God is in control and he loves you just as he loves me. God is good - all the time. 

30 Days & Counting.....{Take 2}

Some of you may remember this post that I posted on April 18th. It was 30 Days & Counting when I thought I only had 30 days left until my last treatment....

Today marks my new 30 day mark. 30 days from now {God willing} I will have my last treatment..... I feel this nervous excitement. Like I want to believe it but I am scared to believe. I have been battling with doubts for about a week now... The "what-if's" start creeping in and it takes a great deal of focus and prayer to get them out. I will post more about how I am dealing with that a little later.

But, here we go again.... 30 day & Counting.... {Take 2}

Creide's Prayer...

I could not help but to share Creide's prayer last night at the dinner table. I really wish I had a tape recorder....

At dinner time the boys love to do what they call "circle prayers". We all hold hands in a circle and we take turns saying a prayer. This works really well as it prevents them from fighting over who gets to pray. Yes, this does happen in our household.

Anyway, Creide started his little prayer....

"Dear God, thank you for this day... thank you for all our food... thank you for this day... I pray for my mommy's sickness to go away... and I pray that you don't let my brother's go to college....don't let Cale go to college... don't let Ky go to college.... because I don't want them to leave .... thank you God.. Amen."

It always amazes me at what they think about.

Can You Believe it? ~ Nearly 10,000 Pageviews!....+ Giveaway!

So, I was looking over the blog today and saw that we are very close to having 10,000 total pageviews.... I just checked it like  2 seconds ago and it was sitting at 9,900 so we should be hitting the 10,000 mark here very soon - unless you all decide to boycott the blog and then you could leave me stuck at 9,999. And just so you know, that would drive the "Monk" in me absolutely crazy!

Anyway, I wanted to find a way to celebrate this little milestone for the blog. So, I am going to do my first giveaway! I was going to wait a bit longer to let you all know what I have been working on in between my chemo treatments but I might as well let the cat out of the bag. I have been working on a series of devotionals that you will actually be able to download from here and use in your own personal study time. The first couple I am working on are like 7-day devotionals and then we will see where it goes from there. Once they get done and I get them listed on here it will probably make more sense.

But as a way to celebrate I am going to give the 10,000th person a sneak peek at my newest 7-day devotional. No one has ever read it - not even Jason! So, all you have to do is take a peek to the right when you visit and if you are the 10,000th visitor leave a comment below and I will send you the devotional. It is as easy as that. Oh, and I lifted all of the pesky log-in requirements to leave a comment so it should be super easy. I have never offered a give-a-way before and I may never do it again (LOL) depending on how this goes. :-) You all may be saying "thanks but no thanks" right about now. We shall see....

Anyway, thanks to all of you who keep supporting and keep reading. I am very excited to see what direction this blog takes me in. It has already been a huge blessing to just be a part of and I have loved every minute of it. Thanks everyone and I can't wait to hear from the 10,000th pageviewer!

Funny of The Day

So, it has been a while since I have posted a funny of the day. It isn't like they haven't been happening.... are you kidding we are the Gressman's.... something is always happening around our house. Usually Creide is the  one generating all of the funnies lately. Cale being 11...excuse me...almost 12....is far too cool to do anything that anyone could possible laugh at him for. It is like living with a professor....Beuller...Beuller... Okay, so I couldn't resist.

(Sorry for the poor picture quality but this was the only one I could find that had the entire scene but wasn't ridiculously long either.)

I know, I know, it is so mean of me to tease my 11 year old...I mean almost 12 year old like that but if I can't get a little enjoyment out of these "pre-teen" years then what's the point?

Anyway, Ky is like his dad....only wants to talk about "Vivor Man" - aka "Survivor Man" or "Man vs. Wild" and then he makes these things out of objects he finds around the house, around the yard, really anywhere. I am constantly finding these little spears all over - basically a stick with something taped to the end of it - like a fork, or some other sharp object that he shouldn't be playing with. Yesterday he was carting around this homemade bow and arrow. I didn't think anything of it until Jason said, "Uh, that works." What do you mean it works? How does my 5 year old know how to make a bow and arrow that works!....... Jason!!!!

I do always just want to ask Ky if he really gets lost in the wilderness if he would actually have tape with him but then he would just give me one of those looks with those big blue eyes. You know the one that says, "Silly Mom, whatever are you talking about....of course I would have duct tape...who doesn't have duct tape," and then you, as the adult, feel totally ridiculous for even brining it up. Maybe that only happens in my household.

This is pretty much the look I would get. 

Followed by this look....

....as he casually takes a drink to rub in my silliness for asking such questions.

Anyway, back to the funny of the day....

Creide was telling me that he felt his cat needed a change. The conversation went something like this....

Creide: "Mom, I think my cat needs a change."

Mom: "Oh really, what kind of change would that be?"

Creide: "Well, I think she needs to be more boy-like."

Mom: "But she is a girl."

Creide: "Yeah, but I want her to be a boy."

Mom (realizing the boy vs. girl argument was pointless with a 3 year old at this point): "So, how are you going to make Piper (the cat) more 'boy-like'?"

Creide: "I am going to paint her green. Green is a boy color." 

Mom: "But cats don't like to be painted green."

Creide: "She does."

Don't worry - we stopped him before he could actually paint the cat green. ***No animals were hurt in the making of this blog.***

Kearyn 9: I Love This Surprise!

So, I just had to share. I happened to go on FB (for those of you who aren't up on the lingo FB=Facebook) and found this lovely picture of my hubby and my daughter on there. I love it! One of our youth group kids took it when we just happened to be at the park at the same time a couple of weeks ago and I didn't even know it. It is just so good - they both are so happy! I love it! It gives my heart so much joy. Thanks for taking and sharing this photo Hannah!



Daddy and Kearyn Girl (almost 1 in this photo)

I am...

...a believer who loves the Lord with all my heart.

...a wife that is still very much in-love with my husband.

...a mother who simply adores my children.

...a daughter that is grateful for her parents.

...a granddaughter who cherishes my grandparents and all the time I have been able to spend with them.

...a sister who is patiently waiting to become an aunt. Oh, I love being your sister too.

...a friend who cherishes these relationships that God has blessed me with.

...a church member who is grateful for the church family God has given me.

...a writer who relies on my words to tell my story.

...a crafter who relies on my creativity as my release in life.

...a survivor. (There are no words.)

{I am me.} 

Who are you?