Day 4:Being "Normal"

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Today was the most "normal" day I have had since this all began. When I think of it only being the fourth day, it is almost unbelievable. It seems like it should be day 40, not just day 4.

Today was good though. I rested a lot. Worked on my writing a lot. I know it seems crazy to "work" at a time like this but as I wrote an article for someone on the 7 most exciting places to visit in Europe it was nice to just think about something else for a while. There were many times where both Jason and I didn't even think of the situation we are in at all.

I was able to nurse Kearyn as of 12:30pm today. That was really nice. I know it probably seems like I have a real hang-up letting this part go and to be honest ,I do. It was just something I never planned on, weaning her this early, but we are following a different plan now and each day it does get easier for both of us. I am thankful that God gave us 8 months and 5 days.

Jason is taking such good care of me. He loves me so well. I wish I could shout from the roof tops what a wonderful husband he is and I pray everyone has a love that is so true and intense such as ours. It is my prayer for each of my children to find someone they can love so passionately and, in turn, their spouse will love them the same way. Such a love is one that only God can bring into someone's life and only God can sustain.

I made Jason take me to church this evening. I just had such a sheer desire to do things "normally" for just one more weekend. The worship was hard to get through. My heart is always the most raw when I listen to worship music. I know that is definitely how God connects with me and so often he brings me to my knees with His music. It is both bitter sweet. It is hard to feel emotion so intensely but I am so glad I am able to do so.

I am doing fairly well at keeping the negative thoughts at bay. When one tries to creep in, I just very deliberately replace it with a positive one. When I don't have a positive thought, I just keep saying God's name over and over until the negative thought passes. The one negative thought that is trying to creep in the most right now is that I am being overly optimistic on how things are going to turn out. I truly believe God can heal me. I know HE can heal me. Jeremiah 29:11 just flows through my mind over and over again. He has a plan for me. He wants to prosper me. He does not want to harm me. That is what I cling to throughout this. Not only does he not want to harm me but he doesn't want to harm my husband or my children either.

It was nice to connect with good friends at church as well. With so many prayers coming my way, it is overwhelming. I just feel so blessed. Thank you all  and I love you so much.

Blessing of Today:

• That we were able to just keep things simple today. 
• So blessed to have such a wonderful church and church family.
• Able to nurse Kearyn again, no matter how brief a time this gets to happen, I still cherish it. 
• All of the prayers and offers of support. 
• Thank you for my wonderful family.

Prayer Requests:

• That Monday goes "well". That I have the courage to face what the situation is and the ability to hear and understand what the doctors are telling so that I move forward to the path of recovery. 
• Prayers for my family, that God gives them the same peace He has given me and helps them just as much as He is helping me. 

Day 3: A Peace Beyond All Understanding

Friday, February 4, 2011

Today I completed the tests that I was suppose to complete yesterday, which consisted of another CT-scan and a PET-scan. These were done to see what other areas of my body this has spread to. Hopefully this is a big fat none but we won't know until Monday.

My spirits are good today. God has given me a huge peace over all of this and that has been wonderful. Escaping the fear an worry, for however brief, is definitely a blessing.

After so much prayer and meditation I am just holding everything with very open hands, surrendering it all to God, that includes my life. I know I have surrendered my life to God before but it wasn't until now that I realized that was the service and actions of my life. Surrendering the very breath that keeps my body alive, every heartbeat that keeps my body going is something entirely different.

So as I sit here with palms open, surrendering it all to God, the only thing that I hold with clinched fists is my faith. As a reward, my faithful Father in Heaven has given me an intense peace "beyond all understanding" which I am grateful for.

Yesterday I had to wait an hour before the scan so that the stuff they gave me could sufficiently travel through my body. I used that quiet time to just seek the Lord. There was one song verse that played over and over in my mind, "I surrender all....I surrender all." The most amazing thing happened. I fell asleep. I truly felt as if I was just resting in the arms of the Lord. Even though it wasn't for long, it was truly the most refreshing sleep I have ever experienced in my life.

When I was "ready" for the scans they laid me down on the table thing and started the process. I truly didn't know what to pray as the fear began to set in for what they might find so I just kept saying the Lord's name over and over in my mind. Within a few minutes I just felt this warmth consume my body and that is when the peace came.  I was, and still am, grateful.

We won't find out any information until Monday but at that time we should know everything including my treatment plan. So we will enjoy our weekend and then get to work Monday mentally and spiritually preparing for what lies ahead.

Thank you for all the notes of encouragement, offers of help and support, and most importantly the prayers. I know I cannot respond to each and everyone of you but please know that they do give my heart so much joy to hear from you. I love you all.

Today I received the following blessings:

• Again, just receiving the peace that God has given me has been huge. Normally I would be freaking out with worry waiting over the weekend without the results from all the testing but I am totally at peace. I know God's timing is the perfect timing. The peace may be the "calm before the storm" but I am hanging onto it anyway.
• I just have the most amazing friends and family. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. 
• I was able to nurse Kearyn this morning until my test and now I cannot nurse her again for 24 hours. But she actually took a bottle today. Praise God!  
• I was able to connect with several loved ones today and I enjoyed visiting with them no matter how brief the conversation was. 
• I was able to meditate and pray today and even rest in the Lord's arms while waiting for my test. 

Prayer Requests:

• Just for continued peace and guidance from the Lord. 
• I pray Monday goes "well". 
• The mass in my neck is pressing on my trachea and esophagus which could cause some breathing problems in the near future as well as some swallowing issues. Please pray that the treatment plan is put into place and the mass reduced before these problems affect me in a significant way. 

Funny of the Day:
I know that these things may not seem funny when reading them but when going through such a thing I find it is refreshing to hang onto any and all laughter that comes my way. So thanks for putting up with my little funny or not so funny stories.

After my test the guy that completed the test mentions to me me that if I happen to need to go to the airport or the dump today that I would "set stuff off." Although these "to do" items had not made my list for that day, I thought it would be so cool for Jason to take me to the airport so I could give it a try. It isn't everyday God gives you the ability to "set stuff off" with your own body. Jason was not amused by this and wouldn't take me to the airport as I suggested, however, he did think taking me to the dump to "set stuff off" was a fun idea....uh no.

Day 2: A Day of Rest....

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Today was suppose to be a day of more testing but we were about half way to Grand Junction and the doctor's office called me an told us that there had been a mix-up in the scheduling.

Although it would have been nice to get it out of the way so that I could get the diagnosis Friday as planned I can tell you that I wasn't that sad about it. I know God's timing is perfect in all of this.

It was nice to be at home today just having a day of rest. It was also so nice because I could nurse my baby girl today. She was definitely happy. Tomorrow will be a different story all together. I feel that my days are numbered for me to be able to nurse her and I am trying to enjoy those moments and also prepare her for the next stage so that it isn't so hard on her.

We have just been flooded with prayer and offers of help and support. I am left with no words to describe how incredibly blessed I feel. My dear sweet friends and family are just too wonderful. I love you all so much.

My Random Thoughts....

I was laying there trying to go to sleep and I thought about what it would be like if my husband or my children were to be diagnosed with this same thing. The thought of that was horrifying to me. I know that I would much rather this happen to me then them. I know that thought and the peace that it is with me and not them will carry me a long way through all of this.

My second thought came much later. I was listening to worship music as I often do, especially when I am going through a struggle, and the image of Jesus being beaten and battered came into my mind. I instantly thought - what do I have to complain about. I know that image will be a source of strength for me throughout this journey.

The Funny of the Day...


My 17 year old little brother came over this evening and when he got here he told me that when I lose my hair that I can have his "luscious locks" and that he would shave his head for me. He made some other comments about how I would look like a wild mustang galloping in the wind - or something like that - I was laughing uncontrollably at his demonstration because that is what he always makes me do....laugh. I told him that I had never been a blond before. It might be a nice change. :-)

My Blessing of Today: That I got to nurse my baby girl. I was able to take a nap with my husband. I was able to feel God's peace and protection. That I was continually provided love, support, and encouragement through my friends and family.

Thank you God.

My Prayer Request Today: That they find out what they need to tomorrow. That "it" hasn't spread through to other parts of my body. I pray for my husband and my children.

Love you all dearly,
Andrea

Day 1: The Shock...

Day 1: The Shock....


It is important that I document this as it happens. I don't know what the future holds. I am praying that I will one day be able to reflect on this as a distant memory and that it will provide hope to others going through hard times themselves. Until then, they are just my hopes, dreams, prayers and fears as I live them out....

What in the world happened?
Yesterday I went to the doctor to see about a lump I have on my neck. It has been there for a while and I had it checked out before (that is a whole different story entirely) but for the past 2 weeks or so I noticed a significant change. With 4 kids, a busy life, and just a shear desire to avoid doctors offices in general, I reluctantly realized that this probably wasn't related to the recent cold that I was experiencing and needed to get it checked out.

The initial doctor was concerned. She thought it had to do with my thyroid. She said that it probably would have to be removed or at least part of it. There was also a chance it was thyroid cancer. The sound of that was terrifying. It was also confusing because I had specifically asked if it was my thyroid when I first found it a few months back and they had said no, my thyroid was fine and they thought it was a cyst. But that is here nor there now. She scheduled a CT-scan for the next morning and scheduled an appointment with the surgeon on Thursday. It was a long and emotional night for my husband and I, but we were determined to hang on to our faith. God would provide.

The Next Day
I went to the CT-scan and immediately knew something was wrong. The technician just had me lay there for the longest time. She let Jason back in the room and continued to scurry around. I heard the phone ring several times but couldn't hear the conversations. I asked Jason what was wrong and he didn't know either. Finally, she said that the doctor wanted to talk to me before I left. That was when I knew something was really wrong. In all my experiences with ultrasounds, x-rays, etc. I have never had the doctor request me to stay and talk to me. The results always went to my doctor first.

My suspicions, unfortunately, were right. The doctor said that he thought I had Lymphoma, a cancer of the lymph system. Jason and I just sat there. What can you say at that point? I tried hard to pay attention to everything he was saying but it was like I was in a fog.

We went back out to the waiting room where several of our close friends and family members had gathered, I just sat and cried. I am 31 years old. I am a wife and a mother to four. This couldn't be happening to me. Cancer has always been one of my biggest fears but surely it wouldn't happen to me, not when my children were so young. They still needed their mom.

From there I was rushed to get a biopsy and then on to the oncologist. I was not strong in the least. I broke down several times, which if you know me, you know is unusual. I just kept thinking the worst. I also kept reliving the fact that I had found this lump months ago and had not taken care of it. Finally a sweet nurse told me that there was nothing I could do about that now- I just had to move forward. She was right. There was no point in living in the past.

I  finally met with the oncologist. He sat down with Jason and I and endured my tears. I told him that I have four little kids at home and I needed to know if I was going to be okay or not. That is when he told me that this type of cancer that he suspects I have  has a 90%, not only recover, but curability rate. That was like music to my ears. It may have only been a drop of hope in an entire ocean of fear and sadness but it was all I needed. That is what I am clinging to.

The Rest of the Night
The rest of the night was touch and go to be honest. This single day started the greatest "battle of the mind" that I have yet to face in my life. I consciously had to dismiss one negative thought after another and replace it with something positive. They also instructed me that I couldn't nurse my baby girl for 24 hours and that was probably the hardest part of it all. All she wanted to do was nurse and I couldn't. Of course, she didn't understand. It was just a tough night.

My Thoughts....

Written February 2, 2011

My mind is absolutely numb from all of the information I have received today. To say that I am not scared would be a lie. I am terrified. I keep thinking of my four beautiful children and cannot imagine leaving them in this world without a mother. Jason is an incredible father but he shouldn't have to do in alone, should he? I know God is ultimately in control of all of this but I desperately seek Him for reassurances, grasping at any hope that I can find. 

It has been a difficult day for all. My dear husband has had to endure far more than he should. My baby girl unable to nurse for the first time in her 8 months and 1 day of life and she completely does not understand. My three boys have a distant awareness of what is going on as they have been staying with grandmas today. 

The "what ifs" race through my mind and I know I need to stop them. The love and support I feel from all is overwhelming. There are no words. With each offer of help, with each act of kindness, there is hope.

Today I have been blessed in the following ways: I cannot believe the medical attention that I received just today! They were so kind, supportive, and just wonderful. They kept apologizing for rushing me around and all I could say was "Thank You!" I couldn't imagine having all of this spread out over 2 weeks. I want to get to the bottom of this so I can move forward.

I have been blessed with so much support from my family and friends. I have been blessed with such a wonderful husband.  My family and friends were available for support even when I did not ask. I know that it is just as hard on them to watch me go through this as it is for me to go through this. I am so grateful.

Prayer requests for today: I pray for wisdom and discernment for all the medical staff involved. I pray that, if it is indeed cancer, that it is truly the "curable" kind that they speak of. I pray for my husband, that you give him peace throughout this as well as strength. I pray for my children, just please protect them. I pray for my oldest son who is so incredibly worried about his mama and my baby girl who does not understand why she cannot nurse as she has every day of her life. I pray for the rest of my family and my friends as well. God bless them all for blessing me as they have. 

Prayer Request...

To All of Our Family & Friends,

I know that many of you have heard the news, many have been wondering what in the world is going on, and then there are even more that this will be the first they are hearing about this at all. I apologize for "announcing" it in this way. I wish there was a way that I could contact each of you individually and explain the situation and that you didn't have to read it on here. However, God has truly blessed us with so many wonderful friends and family that it would be impossible to reach everyone of you in a timely manner and I don't want anyone left out of the loop.

This is the short version. I will be writing more about my "journey" to this diagnosis in the future as it does reveal God's love and protection even then. But for now, here is the situation.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with what the doctors think is Hodgkin's Lymphoma. This is one of the Lymphoma cancers. I will not know the "official" diagnosis of this until Monday. Yesterday I underwent a CT-scan where they saw something incredibly wrong, they rushed me in for a biopsy which is currently in the very capable hands of the Mayo Clinic, and then I was rushed over to the oncologist. The oncologist said that he does not know what else this could be than Hodgkin's. He seemed like a very wonderful man and I was encouraged by his swift and thorough care.

Although I am praying for a miracle and if God would like to give me one I would gratefully accept, we are preparing our hearts for the diagnosis of cancer. The doctor could not give me a lot of information without all of the reports back of course, but I did point blank ask him if he thought I would be okay. His answer was very encouraging which was the best (and really the only  good) news I had gotten that day so that is what I am clinging to.

This is the very definition of walking by faith and not by sight. I have no idea what is going on in my very own body and to say that I am not scared would be a down right lie. But I know the Lord can heal me if it is His will. I, of course, for my husband and children's sake sure hope and pray that it is.

Jason and I love you all. We appreciate every one of your prayers and offers of support. You won't ever know how much encouragement each and every offer brings to me. For I know, when things get tough, and I know they will, that you will not only be there me but for my husband and my children. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Walking in His loving arms,
Jason & Andrea

P.S. I will be providing frequent updates here on this blog throughout this process. If you "subscribe" upper left side of the screen, you will get email notifications whenever I submit a new post. Sorry again for the impersonal touch this has but it is the only way I know how to keep you all in the loop.

New Blog...

So, I have ended up posting some of my devotionals, etc. here on this blog and I know that some of you only want to use me for the pictures of my kids and the occasional family update....(just kidding) but I have decided to branch off and start a separate blog for my writing. You are all invited to jump over there and read my stuff (hopefully I will be posting a little something each day) but you certainly don't have to. This is just a way for me to keep more of a portfolio of my writing. If you would like to take a look here you go.....

Daily Ramblings by Andrea Gressman

Happy New Year!!!

Well, some of you may have been wondering where I have been... We took some much needed down time as a family but we are back at it again full steam ahead. I just wanted to wish you all a very happy 2011. I hope that it is an incredibly blessed year for all of you.

Here is a quick little update on the fam!

Jason - busy as usual with the youth group. He recently started a new bible study at the boys detention center here in town and it has been amazing to see how God is working through that. Please pray that the boys find God for themselves and are able to turn their lives around before it is too late.

Andrea - busy writing, writing, writing. I have actually sold some of my articles recently and am super excited about that! Please pray that God continues to provide these writing opportunities for me and continues to provide me with inspiration!

Cale - busy with school again and basketball. Please pray that he continues to do well in his studies and that he has a fun and safe basketball season!

Ky - is back to doing school as well. Please pray that he continues to enjoy learning!

Creide - is busy being Creide in all things that Creide does. He just makes us laugh. One of his new things....when he is thirsty he says, "I'm so drinky!" I have no idea where he got that from but it is too funny. Please pray that he stays safe as he seems to continually get hurt trying to keep up with his big brothers.

Kearyn - now 7 months old, can you believe it?!? It seems to be going by so fast. She is doing super well being the center of the household. As much as Jason and I try not to make her the center of the universe her brothers just pick up where we leave off. Each one of them simply adore her in their own special way. Please pray for her continued health and happiness.

We love you all and want to thank you all for stopping by and reading this little blog of ours. We had over 800 some hits last year! Please feel free to leave comments and if you want an email update to let you know when I post automatically just subscribe. (Upper right-hand side. :-)