How Can I Be Optimistic in All of This?

6 Down - 6 To Go: The Ultimate Half Empty/Half Full Scenario

For those of you who missed it - last week my doctor told me that I would not just need 2 more treatments but instead 6 more treatments. This was a big bump in the road for me to say the least.

Here I am right now, just coming off my 6th treatment and I now have 6 more treatments to face. It occurred to me that this was probably the most ultimate half empty/half full scenario that I have ever faced in my life. I feel like I have always been a fairly optimistic person - realistic but optimistic. Meaning that I like to know the facts of the situation but in the end I know what my faith is in.... God.

Despite knowing where my faith is, despite being grateful for the gift of living and seeing my kids grow up, to be really honest - I'm tired. Even more, I'm tired of being tired! I look at my life and it doesn't even resemble what it was 4 months ago. I use to do so much and now it is all I can do to get out of bed some days. How can I be optimistic in the midst of this?!?!

Ultimately though, this isn't about me. This isn't about my will. This isn't about what I want. This is about God's will. This is about an obedience to God to walk it out every day as He has called me to do it and if that is through 6 more treatments - then that is the way it is. I don't even pretend to understand what God's plan is in all of this - but I trust it. I have to clue what He is trying to do inside my heart, or the heart of my husband, or the hearts of my kids - but I believe in it. I don't even know how I will get through the next 3 months to be honest - but I know He's with me and I know God's grace will be enough.

In the end - trusting, believing, and knowing is all the optimism that I need right now. That will get me through this moment, this second, this breath and that is what He has called me to do right now. Oh, one other thing provides me the comfort of all comfort - He understands. He knows my pain and He knows my suffering. After all, He sent his only son here to die for me. Now that is optimism.  

Happy Birthday Baby Boy

Two years ago today was the day that I delivered our 4th baby boy. The day before we found out that he no longer had a heartbeat. I ended up going into labor at home much earlier than the doctor expected and it went so fast that I did not make it to the hospital in time to have him.

He was so tiny that he fit into one hand from fingers to palm and was perfectly formed. I held him as long as I could before I had to say goodbye. His daddy took him from me, carefully wrapped him up, and that was the last that I saw of him until I finally see him in Heaven again someday.

We named him John Andrew Gressman. John is after Jason's grandpa and Andrew is after me. My heart continues to ache for him.

I was telling my nurse yesterday about him and I made mention that I know he is in Heaven and I know people think I should just let it go now and move on. Her answer: "It is completely natural for a mother to love her baby." So, I am no longer going to try to justify my grief. The babies I have lost in the past will forever be etched on my heart. Because of my love for them - they will never be forgotten.

Today is a tough one. I don't feel well at all from my chemo yesterday and in a few hours I will get a shot that will make me sleep for the next few days. Thank you for allowing me to share this about my baby boy now and allowing me to honor him in this little way.

Just an FYI...

Hey All,

This post is not going to make you cry or feel sad - I promise. I just have gotten so many new readers lately - which has been amazing and overwhelming all at the same time.

Anyway, I don't always remember to link these to my Facebook account and I am sorry for that. You can also keep up with my blogging by "SUBSCRIBING" (look to the right of the screen, enter your email address, and DON'T FORGET TO CONFIRM in the follow-up email! If you don't confirm - it doesn't work.) By subscribing you receive all my posts for the day (if any) in a nice little email for your convenience.

You can also choose to "FOLLOW". Again, look to the right of the screen - you may have to scroll down a bit.) Anyway, those are two ways to keep up on the updates.

Thank for reading and blessings to all!
Andrea

We Aren't the Only Ones Grieving Today....

We aren't the only ones grieving today. April 20, 1999 also marks a tragedy that so many continue to grieve each and every day. This is the anniversary of the "Columbine Shooting" at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado where 12 innocent students and 1 teacher lost their lives that day at the hands of two of their fellow students. We know at least one of the girls who lost her life that day was killed because she would not renounce her faith in God.

This too is connected to our family because my husband worked for the sheriff's department that responded to the incident. The last time he was in that building he was collecting evidence and he also had to edit the 9-1-1 tapes of the event to release to the media forever marking this event upon his heart.

In 2009, ten years after this tragic event occurred, we took a group of our youth group kids to the memorial site. This marked the first time that Jason spoke publicly about the event - reflecting on the events that occurred that tragic day. His message: those kids and the teacher woke up that morning never imagining it would be their last. They thought they were going to school just like any other day to only tragically lose their lives. We never know when our last day may come - are you right with God?

Our hearts and prayers are always with the families who lost loved ones on that day. Even though the years go by they are not forgotten. Our hearts and prayers are also with the law enforcement agents that were forever affected by this event as well as the many students that witnessed these horrific acts. May God comfort them and give them peace.

Bad News/Good News

This is just a quick update because I know so many of you are wondering how things are going today. It has been an emotional roller-coaster that is for sure but I will write more about that later. For now we have some bad news and we have some good news. I am going to give the "bad news" first because I personally can't stand suspense.

So here it goes - the bad news:

I found out today that I will have to have the full 12 treatments and today was actually only my half way point (being #6). Ugh - I know. I actually surprised myself at how well I took the news. It did catch me off guard and it wouldn't have surprised me if I would have crawled up in a fetal position in the corner and cried. But I didn't. I was strong. Or better put - God was strong and I was just along for the ride.

I believe there were 2 reasons that I did so well with the news. (I even felt bad for the doctor having to give me the news - what kind of divine experience is that?) Anyway, there were 2 reasons that I know I was able to handle this news so well. 1.) I just have the most amazing friends, family, and church family that I can possibly imagine. Today I could literally feel the prayers holding me up. There was no other explanation for it other than the power of prayer. I am grateful for you all - there are no words.

2.) Leads to my good news so I am not going to spoil it here but will "re-comment" on this after I give you the good news. So, if I forget due to my chemo brain yell at me (or simply comment below) and I will make sure I address it....

So, here is for the good news:

If I go the 12 treatment I will not have to go through radiation. This is a big deal to Jason and I as neither one of us had a peace about the radiation at all! I mean - NO PEACE! We have been praying for clarity and have asked our pastors, friends, and family to pray for clarity on this for us and today we got it.

There is just so much more long term risk to the radiation and since I do hope that I live at least 40, 50, or even 60 more years we really need to be wise when it comes to those long term affects.

So back to my #2 reason above:

When I was initially diagnosed and finally got past that initial fear (click here to read about some of that) God just gave me the most ultimate peace -  a peace beyond all understanding (click here to revisit that post if you missed it). We just knew that chemo is what we needed to do in order to save my life. And let there be no mistake, that is truly what was at stake - my life. In 8 months - since I found the initial tumor it had spread to 2 additional spots. Thinking of what it would have done in another 8 months or 18 months is beyond scary to me. I am grateful to God that we didn't have to find that out.

Anyway, when we met with the radiation doctor (who is wonderful by the way) we really did not get a positive feeling about the treatment. Worse yet, it didn't seem like he was real positive about treating me either. He mentioned several times that we would have to see if the benefits would out weigh the risks and that  I would need to be on board with the decision. When we left I felt very "off board" with the idea of doing radiation and Jason felt the very same way. I had several checks in my heart and at first I tried to dismiss these as being "petty" but then I realized, NO! God is putting those checks in my heart for a reason - I needed to listen and pray about them. Finally, we started to pray for clarity and also asked others to pray for that clarity too. This was a critical decision - on one hand not do it and possibly have the Hodgkin's come back and have to go through treatment again. On the other hand - possibly receive damage to my heart, my lungs, and raise my chances of a 2nd malignancy (namely breast cancer) significantly.

Today we felt like that decision was made for us. God used the wisdom of this team of doctors to protect me from harms way. What a loving God we serve. For that I have so much peace in my heart and gratefulness that he has spared me from having to make that tough, tough decision.

So, that is the bad news and that is the good news - pretty up and down day. I have a lot more to say so stay tuned if you would like or run away if you are tired of me rambling. Either way, I completely understand. :-)

Blessings to all!
~Andrea

100th Post of 2011 - 100 Things I Want to do Before I Die

I noticed yesterday after writing my two blog posts that I had posted 99 times since the beginning of 2011 making the very next post (this post) #100. Most would not think much of this but I have this strange obsession with numbers and number patterns. My mom tells me that I use to read the phone book when I was little, I can remember dates like crazy (yes, poor Jason), and I love algebra. (There, now you know my secret shame.)

Anyway, it felt a bit unnatural to not acknowledge the 100th post in some way so I thought I would compile a list of a 100 things I wanted to do before I died. I have two things to say about this - 1.) It is harder than you think. Go ahead - make one of you own and see what I mean. 2.) I felt a bit selfish doing it. It was strange - I have never thought that much about what I actually want. Really, you can ask Jason about my birthday and Christmas. He asks me what I want and my standard answer is, "I don't know." It is like anytime I think about something I want I get that "deer in the headlights" look and don't know whether to go straight or turn back around. All I think about is with all the poverty in the world and so many others out there that need help why am I thinking about spending Christmas in Hawaii. But it was an exercise and I didn't want to back out half way through so I went with it.

These are in no particular order. So, on with the list....

1. Attend the Olympics at least once in my life. (Here's to hoping it comes back around to somewhere close again. Wish I would have thought of this one a few years back when it actually happened in the United Stats.) 
2. Sky-dive 
3. Bungee jump (thinking I will wait to accomplish 2 and 3 until after my children are grown.) 
4. Visit the Statue of Liberty
5. Be the one to teach each of my children to read. (Well, I have one down - things are looking promising here.)
6. Drive across America from coast to coast.
7. Learn how to take a compliment (Yes, I still struggle with this one.) 
8. Take a ride on the highest roller coaster in the country.
9. Make my dear husband ride with me on the highest roller coaster in the country. (I am not against calling him a girl and making chicken sounds if necessary to accomplish this.)
10. Go on a cruise. (Really hoping this one happens sooner than later. Thinking anniversary 2013 - hint, hint.)
11. Decorate my daughters wedding (how she wants it of course).
12. Learn to juggle.
13. Learn how to do the walk-the-dog-thingy with a yo-yo.
14. Scuba dive 
15. Visit the Holy Land.
16. Spend New Year's Eve in the Big Apple with my hubby, watch the ball drop wearing one of those silly hats, and blowing one of those cheesy noise makers. (Hey, if you are going to go, you might as well go big!)
17. Send a message in a bottle. (Really have no idea what I would say - just sounded cool to do. My luck is I would find a bottle with a message in it too - only sadly to discover it was my own message. :-(
18. Spend a whole day reading a great novel - and not feel guilty!
19. Spend Christmas in Hawaii.
20. Grow my dream garden. 
21. Make my house exactly the way I want it (with Jason's input of course.) 
22. Go up in a hot-air balloon. (And not fall out - the "not falling out part" is very important.
23. Go deep sea fishing.
24. Have a book published. (Big surprise here I know - it is kind of a "thing" with writers.)
25. Watch each of my children graduate from high school (yes, homeschoolers have graduation ceremonies too!)
26. Despite my children's reassurances that they can make it to college their first year by themselves - drive them anyway and don't apologize for the tears.  I gave birth to them - I can cry when they leave my "nest". 
27. Have my house Martha Stewart organized. (Yeah, I know - it is kind of like "extreme organizing" - hey that could be the next reality t.v. show.)
28. Own a cabin in the woods where I can sit on the front porch reading a book, smelling the wild flowers, and listening to the birds sing their sweet songs. 
29. Raise a boat load of money for an organization that will change people's lives.
30. Make sure my family knows how much I love each and every one of them. 
31. Make sure my friends know how much I love each and every one of them. 
32. See each of my children fall in love with the one God has intended for them.
33. Be a good mother-in-law.
34. Be a grandma someday so I can too say, "Having children is wonderful but being a grandma is so much better." (Side note - it is very difficult to imagine it getting any better than what I have now.)
35. Watch my husband give my sweet baby girl away to the man that will love her unconditionally for her entire life because he knows if he doesn't he will have to answer to her three brothers. (God does have a sense of humor.)
36. Have a huge rose garden. 
37. Learn how to use a potter's wheel.
38. Make something really cool on the potter's wheel and then mess it up just because I can. 
39. Attend a professional baseball game.
40. Attend a professional football game. 
41. Tell my husband how much I love him every single day. 
42. Visit all 50 states. (I have been to Colorado, South Dakota, North Dakota, Alaska, Utah, California, Arizona, Nevada, Texas, Kansas, Nebraska, Iowa, Missouri, Oklahoma, Minnesota, Wyoming, New Mexico, Idaho, and Montana. 19 down - 31 to go.)
43. Go paperless with regards to all of our bills (shamefully this has less to do with wanting to save our environment and more because I hate filing).
44. Become debt free. :-) 
45. Take my children to Disney World or Land. 
46. Get paid to craft. 
47. Take the time to watch a sunrise and sunset in the same day and be amazed at God's creation.
48. Go golfing at least once a summer with my hubby.
49. Go camping every year. 
50. Come up with a really cool bumper sticker.
51. Survive cancer. (For those of you reading this that don't know my story - I already have cancer. This is something I would have never chosen for myself but since I don't have a choice about that I did add the "surviving" part as I felt that has become important as well.)
52. Survive chemo. (See reference above.)
53. Have tea parties with my daughter just because.
54. Never allow my children to doubt how much I love their father.
55. Teach my daughter that boys have cooties - until she is at least 35.
56. Learn how to build stuff out of wood - all by myself - with no help from hubby.
57. Teach my children about God's unconditional love by unconditionally loving them. 
58. See each of my son's faces when they come home to tell us that "she is the one". 
59. See my daughter's face when she comes home to tell us that "he is the one". 
60. Write a devotional for each chapter in the bible. 
61. Beat my husband at chess - just once before I die. 
62. Upon beating my husband at chess refrain from doing any kind of victory dance. 
63. Live on a houseboat (even if it is just for a vacation).
64. Stay at a bed & breakfast for a night.
65. Have one night where I sleep straight through without any interruptions.  
66. Own and drive regularly an old car from the 60's - and have the sunglasses to match.     
67. Grow boat loads of flowers in my yard. 
68. Learn how to make my own pasta. 
69. Help out in a soup kitchen. 
70. Make my husband take me to a play. 
71. Learn how to make my grandmother's dinner rolls.
72. Live for each and every day, rejoice, and be glad in it - for it is the day the Lord made. 
73. Own a hot tub. 
74. Help build a house for a homeless family.
75. Anonymously pay for someone else's groceries. 
76. Play bingo. 
77. Win while playing bingo. 
78. Write an article for a major publication. 
79. Become an aunt and spoil my nieces and nephews like crazy. 
80. Take an art class. 
81. Go to a restaurant and order dessert first. 
82. Take my children to Washington D.C. 
83. Plant flowers in someone else's yard that I don't know very well. 
84. Have a greenhouse.
85. Start all my plants from seed.
86. Tour Europe.
87. Get better at golf. (Really, there is no where to go but up here.)
88. Complete the Daniel's Fast for 72 hours.
89. Make the only beverage I drink be water for 30 days. (I have already done this once before but my goal the 2nd time around is to do it with a positive attitude for the WHOLE 30 days and avoid the pouty attitude I had last time for the first 4 days.)
90. Blog everyday for 1 year. (Sorry readers.)
91. Help someone in need. (I sure hope that I have helped someone by now in my life but if this is always on my list of things to do then I hope I never miss an opportunity.) 
92. Find a way to "pay forward" all of the prayer, love, and generosity we have been shown through my cancer treatment. I am pretty certain that this will take the rest of my life to do. 
93. Teach each of my children to cook so when they go off to live on their own I at least won't have to worry about that.
94.  Enjoy "the view from the rocking chair" with my hubby when we are both old and gray. (He and anyone who has been to Sonrise Mountain Ranch in Cimarron, Colorado know what I am talking about here.) 
95. Stay in every cabin at Sonrise Mountain Ranch at least once. 
96. One year have all my Christmas shopping done by September. 
97. Take my husband to the coolest gun show in the country and allow him to take as many hours (or days) as he needs to go through the entire thing without any interruption from the kids....or me...but mostly the kids. 
98. Survive the "teen years" - especially when we have a 17, 15, and 13 year old. 
99. Learn how to make tamales. 
100. Serve God in all that I do and ask for forgiveness when I fall short. Really, the 99 wouldn't even be possible without Him. Thank you God. 

S0, this is my little list of 100 things I want to do before I die. What do you think? Have you ever made one of these lists yourself? Was it as hard for you as it was for me?

By Your Side...

This is a song that is very near and dear to my heart. After we lost our baby boy I would listen to it and just cling to the lyrics....I still do.