Choosing God...

This past weekend my husband gave a sermon at church on "holiness" - being set-apart from the world. In his message he made the point that choosing to be "holy" is a choice - one that you have to make each and every day in your actions, your thoughts, and the things that you say. He talked about how he himself has had to make that choice time and again and especially since I was diagnosed with cancer.

There are times when it has been so hard and yet we have kept choosing God. In a time where it would be easy to be angry and question why - we have both made the choice to glorify God to the best of our abilities throughout. Now this isn't easy and there are days that I personally feel like I fail miserably but because of God's grace, love, and mercy you can get up the next day and try to do better.

After the third service a man approached us with tears streaming down his face. He told us that he had just lost his wife to cancer. I could just see this man's pain - yet he was still choosing God. He said that he and his wife were best friends - not just husband and wife - and that they had chose God in their life together. He said now that she was gone that was the only thing that was keeping him going - choosing God.

As quickly as he had approached us he was gone again - like a whisper from God himself - leaving me to my own tears and my husband to his. But his message went deeper than the tears - it was a confirmation to my heart that now when I am weaker than ever, when the mass quantities of medications are taking their toll not only on me physically but mentally and emotionally that it is more critical than ever to keep choosing God. For when I am weak He is my strength.

I feel like I am coming to the end of the pain and suffering that I have had to endure to be well again and yet it is so hard to keep pressing on - but I must. When my thoughts start to turn to selfish ones - I need to refocus on the cross and what Jesus did for me there. When my words aren't as loving as they should be - I need to force myself to speak kindness and love as God is calling me to do. When my actions and attitude aren't the way they should be - I need to adjust them to be more like Christ. This isn't easy to do but it is what I am called to do.

I am called to choose God in all that I do - not just when I feel like it.

Say What You Need to Say

As I was praying about what to write about today I just kept hearing these words, "Say what you need to say," over and over in my head. That is generally a pretty good indication when I need to write about something - because it doesn't ever seem to go away until I do.

So, I started to think about what that phrase means to me....then I started to remember why I started blogging so regularly when I was diagnosed to begin with. It was a scary time for me. I didn't know what my diagnosis meant. But I did know that if something happened to me - if I didn't make it - I wanted my children to know and hear my voice through the things that I wrote. I am sure I have said this a hundred times but it was (and is) so important to me that they know how much I love them, how much I love their dad, and how much I love God - even through the yucky stuff. This blog has been a huge blessing to me because I have been able to "say what I have needed to say" in each moment I was experiencing and then some...

I have always been a fairly private person. That may seem contradictory as I feel I have been pretty open and honest on here for the world to read but that is not the way I normally operate. It is so much easier for me to help others than it is to receive help myself. Needless to say, relying on others as I have had to during the last few months has been another lesson for me entirely.

My heart has changed in many ways since my diagnosis. I don't hesitate to tell a friend that I love them - something I would have felt awkward about even a year ago (except for with the youth group kids - strangely I have never had a hard time telling one of the kids that I love them - but I know that is a God thing.)

But even though my heart has been opened up some since my diagnosis - I realize I still have a long way to go. There are still words that I need to say to those that mean the most to me. There are still words that I need to say to my husband and my children because I know that I can never tell them that I love them enough. They are truly why I am going through all of this - my love for them is strong enough for me to go through the worst feelings I have ever felt in my life time and time again just so I can see my kids grow up, just so I can grow old with my husband, just so I can hold my grandkids someday. As much as I hate it - as much as I dread it with ever fiber in my body - they are the reason why in 1 week and 2 days I will go through it all over again, and then again, and then again - until I am done.

I am so grateful that God gave me my family and friends. I am so grateful that He has allowed me to love so deeply and for them to love me in return. What a lonely life it would be without them all.

So, my question to you....are you saying what you need to say? Have you told those around you how much they mean to you? You may think they know but they can always hear it again. Say what you need to say....to who you need to say it to.

From the Mailbag: Lamentations 3:20-23 NKJV

My dear friend Sarah sent me this scripture in response to my "Dread" post and I wanted to share.

"My soul still remembers and sinks within me. This I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope: Through the LORD's mercies we are not consumed because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness."
`Lamentations 3:20-23 NKJV

Kearyn 8: Looking Up

I just love this photo of Kearyn. To most it probably doesn't mean much - quality wise it isn't even that great for several reasons - 1. It was taken with my phone. 2. There is some funky lighting coming through the window. :-) But I love it anyway because of the memories it brings back.

This was taken on my birthday. We went to Grand Junction for the day and this was our last stop. We stopped at the park and Jason took the boys to run off some of that boy-energy (for all of you moms of boys you know what I am talking about). Kearyn needed to be fed so I stayed in the car. After she ate I started snapping some photos of her and then Jason came back to the car and snapped a few more for me.

I love this one because I know she is looking up at me - her mommy. Her little eyes so big and bright and she just looks happy.

Kearyn 6: Moments to Cherish

With 4 children, a wonderful husband, a great family, and the best friends a girl can ask for (you know who I am talking about) there are just so many cherished memories stored up in my heart. One of my favorite things to do is to go back and look at past photos and then just let the stream of memories come forth. Sometimes I laugh and sometimes I cry - but most importantly - I just remember.

One of the funnest things about this blog is that I not only get to relive these moments but I also get to share them as well.

These little gems were taken when Kearyn was just 1 day old. I will never forget this moment. I was laying in the hospital bed just watching her sleep. I could barely take my eyes off of her. She was finally here - my little Kearyn Jaedance. I studied her face - memorizing her. Soaking every moment of this miracle up. Wow, what a moment.

She, of course, was completely unaware. Her only concern being that she was snuggled up in her mommy's arms listening to my heartbeat - such a familiar sound to her. I looked at the clock - 9am on the dot. She was exactly 24 hours old. I reached out to the bedside table and with the very tips of my fingers I could reach my phone without disturbing her precious nap. I took these three photos to capture that moment in time forever. Thank God for the convenience of the camera phone.

I will never ever forget that moment and thanks to these pictures I can reflect on that moment often. I do have to say - and I know I am suppose to because I am her mommy - but what a beautiful baby is she!

!

~Pictures by Andrea Gressman~ 

I love this Man!

My hubbie is gone for a few days and I am missing him so dearly.

Don't get me wrong - I am glad that he went. He has been planning this mission trip with this very special group of teenagers for months. He is doing a discipleship program over the summer this year and he has literally been praying and planning this summer of events for so long it is so fun to finally see it here and unfolding so that these young people can continue to grow in Christ.

But I still miss him. He has always has a way of making me feel better.


 

I love you J.

From the Mailbag: Depression

I have decided to address some of the many questions that I am continually asked either through face-to-face conversation, phone calls, or emails. It seems that many of you wonder the same things and so I thought on here would be a great way to address these issues for all to read. 

One of the things that I am frequently asked about is if I struggle with depression or not. Thankfully I can say no to this question. I do have my down moments - don't get me wrong. But fortunately God carries me through those times relatively quickly. 

However, that isn't to say that I won't struggle with it in the future. One thing that I have learned from going through this month after month (and don't get me wrong - I know my treatment is a drop in the bucket to what many face) that one day you will be doing fine and then something will happen and you are suddenly struggling. There are so many factors that take place (including how your medications affect you) that it really is hard to predict. 

I know many that battle cancer do battle depression. Cancer is a lonely disease and the treatment for it is often lonely as well. Fortunately, I have a husband that I can communicate these things with and he listens. I also have some amazing people in my life who continually reach out to me and do their best to lift me up. And most importantly - I have God. I see so many people going through treatment right along with me and it breaks my heart when I see someone who doesn't believe. They seem so empty and without hope. 

So, for all of you wondering out there whether or not depression has been a huge factor for me - now you have your answer. Please keep the questions coming and I will do my best to answer them. 

Blessings to All! 

Andrea