Kearyn's Story....Part 2
Previously I shared the events that happened for us to make the decision to try for another baby. After the loss of our son this was not an easy decision and one that required a great deal of prayer. Finally my husband and I agreed that this was indeed what God wanted for us.
It didn't take long for us to conceive. I remember reading the pregnancy test and I actually had this sinking feeling in my heart. Can I really do this? What if I lose this baby too? I know the saying well, "God will never give you more than you can handle," but that was not real to me at the time. I just knew I could not survive anymore loss. I was still grieving for my son and to lose another one would have been more than I could bare.
Walking through her pregnancy was difficult. In fact, I actually don't remember a lot of it. It was kind of a blur as I really was just going through the motions of life. I just couldn't wait to get to the next stage or the next milestone, and because of that I never really enjoyed the current one that I was in. I couldn't wait until I could feel her move. Each kick, roll, and back-flip I would relish because that meant she was okay. At least for that moment I knew she was okay and that is what would get me through to the next moment.
Even though this should have been a time of joy for me, there was actually a lot of darkness. There were days that I would just spend the entire day in prayer begging God to keep her safe. I repeatedly asked for His protection over her and to keep her from any harm. I begged him to just keep her here with me.
I felt like I could barely function normally. Of course, I never communicated my struggles with anyone else with exception to my husband and I don't even know if he realized how much I was struggling. Maybe he did, I don't know. This made things even harder. Everyone expected me to be "normal" and in some ways, beyond normal. They expected me to have that "pregnancy glow" about me. After all, what did I have to be sad about. I was expecting baby, what more did I want. They had no idea the day-to-day agony that I went through just waiting for my baby girl to arrive.
With each doctor's visit I would hold my breath while they found her heartbeat. With each ultrasound I would anxiously search for her heartbeat. Thank God that I had a very patient doctor and his staff was equally wonderful. If it weren't for their reassurances and just openness for me to come in whenever I needed to I don't know what I would have done.
About half way through our pregnancy we did find out that we were expecting a baby girl. It seemed like everyone's focus shifted to the fact that we were finally having a girl after three boys. I can tell you though that I really didn't care whether she was a boy or a girl as long as she was going to be in my arms and healthy.
Finally, I came to the end of my pregnancy. I wasn't due until June 11, 2010 but I knew she would come early as all of my children have. As time ticked on we still had some trials ahead of us. I ended up getting very sick the beginning of May and ended up in the hospital. Then a week or so later my husband got extremely ill as well. This was only two weeks before her birth. We were desperately trying to finish things up in preparation for her arrival as we had just purchased a new home a couple of months before. With Jason being as sick as he was for as long as he was it did add a lot of stress to the mix. It was so close to her birth that I was wondering if he would in fact be better by the time that she was born. He ended up losing 25 pounds in 9 days but God graciously placed a hand of healing over my husband and he did get well in time for Kearyn's birth. The birth of our precious baby girl. To hear about that stay tuned for more of her story. Kearyn's story....
