6 Months Past Treatment

It dawned on me a couple of days ago that I am actually 6 months past treatment. Man, that has really gone by fast. I thought it would be a nice time to give an update on how I am feeling.

Physically

Physically I am probably doing as well as could be expected. I do struggle daily with my energy level but I think I am getting better at not overdoing it and acknowledging when I do overdo it that it is just going to take me time to recover. I don't let the expectations of others dictate my level of activity and I have gotten better at being honest and just saying, "I am tired," or "I am going to be too tired to do that." Basically I am just learning to give myself more grace.

My diet is a critical component to my energy level. I get lax on it every once in a while and then I am like, "Why am I feeling so bad lately?" Then that little voice says, "Have you checked out what you have been eating lately?" Oh yeah. Then I get back to where I need to be or at least closer to where I need to be.

Right now is a very busy season in our lives (now that I think about it, is there ever a slow season?) and keeping up with my kids takes pretty much everything out of me but I am just so grateful that I am here to even have that struggle.

I don't really have any other physical symptoms other than the fatigue to worry about. About 50% of my hair has grown back. I don't know if it will ever be like it was before but I don't even worry about that. I have always had a ton of hair and it is actually kind of nice not to have to blow dry it for two hours just to get it dry. :-)

Emotionally

Emotionally I think I handle things really well. I rarely worry about the cancer coming back. I find that a day or two before any testing I do get some butterflies in my stomach and then a day or two before I get the results the same thing happens. It takes a conscious effort to keep the fear in check when those moments come but I think overall I do a pretty good job at it.

My personal philosophy on this is that I do not know how many days God has given me. So, if I spend half of them or even all of them worrying about when that day is going to come it is a complete waste of those precious days. Worrying does nothing for today and it will not change tomorrow so why get caught up in that hamster wheel?

There was a lady that was diagnosed shortly before I was last year. She went through treatment last year and they recently found a couple of more spots indicating that she will most likely have to go back in treatment. When I hear of these situations my heart always breaks for that person. Treatment is nasty no matter how you look at it and if I could have my way no one would ever have to endure it. My heart breaks for them because I know the fear and uncertainty that they are undoubtedly facing - then there is their family and what they are going through as well. But after I get through all of that there is a tinge in my own heart - what if that is me? But then again, you just cannot let yourself go there...

Spiritually

This is kind of a hard one to explain. In many ways I feel stronger than ever but in other ways I feel a bit lost. It is kind of like I had this huge build-up of adrenaline for the past year and now it is over and I need to find my normal spiritual routine again.

For the last year I felt like I was white knuckling the cross - hanging on so tight and if I let go for even one second I would be lost forever. Now it is different. Maybe instead of white knuckling it I have my arms wrapped around it as I am completely out of energy and it alone is giving me the strength and energy to keep standing. I told you it was hard to explain. :-)

I just finished two book studies with two different groups of ladies and they were amazing. I am so glad I did each of them as it was a really good way to fellowship and just reconnect with the world again. I also learned a lot about myself and the person that I am today which is much different than the person I was a year ago.

Ultimately I am still just grateful to be done with treatment. It is the little things that continually remind me of this. Right now we are frequenting the field for baseball practices and games and I keep thinking of how hard it was last year to drag myself to the different sporting events my kids had. (Don't get me wrong - I am so glad I did and would do it all over again if I had to but it was still just hard.) My daughter's birthday is coming up in a month (a whole different post) but it is so nice to not have to plan her party around my chemo treatments. Like I said, it really is the little things.

Anyway, thanks for hanging in there and reading my rambles. I appreciate you more than you know. Praying you all have a very blessed week and here is to more days of being cancer free! (Saying that still gives me chills and makes me smile. :-)

The Blessing of Friends

I am blessed to be married to my very best friend. I know that sadly not everyone can say that and so it makes me cherish this relationship even more. There is no one else I would rather spend my time with than my husband. He is the one that knows me inside and out and the one person that I can always be completely honest with and I know he will never judge me or stop loving me. I thank God for him and our relationship each and every day.

However, there are times when you need other friends too. The past few weeks have been filled with one heart breaking situation after another. It seems like there were only a couple of days in there that we didn't get a call due to another crisis. I can't even begin to tell you all of the issues we were dealing with (and by "we" I mean mostly Jason and my very small supporting roll). But I could see the toll that these issues were taking on my husband. He loves the kids that he works with so much that it literally breaks his heart to see them hurting and going through such hard things. Normally he handles these things really well - far better than I ever could that is for sure. But when there are so many things happening at once it is hard for even him to bounce back over and over again.

Yesterday was his day off and I remember asking him how long it was going to be before we would "get him back". By that I mean that his mind could truly be in the moment and not off thinking of the many different problems he is dealing with. Don't get me wrong, I hurt for these situations too but for me to continue to press on during the week without my husband I really need to have some time with my husband on his day off.

I knew he was trying really hard but I also knew that this situation needed some extra help. So, I reached out to one of his friends and I asked if he would take my hubby shooting. For those of you who don't know J he LOVES to shoot. He shot competition for a number of years and it is a huge release for him. His friend was more than willing to take him and so that is what they did for 2 hours yesterday - they had "man time". Did they talk about the issues that J has been dealing with - no. They probably didn't even talk much at all knowing them. But that isn't what J needed.

Isn't it funny how different guys are from girls. Us girls have to talk about EVERYTHING. Process. Process. Process. Guys - not so much.

Anyway, I am so thankful for the blessing of good friends in our life. For the people we can call in a moments notice and know that they will be there for us. They are truly gifts from God and we treasure each and every one of you.

{I thank my God every time I remember you.} 

Philippians 1:3

Sad Days: Remembering Our Baby Boy

Yesterday and today mark very sad days for us. 3 years ago yesterday we found out that our little boy no longer had a heartbeat and as much as I prayed for a miracle it was not my miracle to be had. 3 years ago today marks the one an only time I got to hold him before I had to say goodbye.

This year is very different for me and I feel like I am grieving in a whole new way. 1 year after we lost our little boy I was a month and 10 days away from delivering my baby girl. Her pregnancy was filled with anxiety for me as I was so afraid something was going to happen to her as well. I spent many days in almost constant prayer in order to deal with my anxiety. So when one year rolled around it was as if I was white knuckling it - afraid to let myself feel the full impact of the sadness in fear that it might hurt my baby girl. I know that probably does not make any sense but it was where I was at the time.

Last year, year 2, was equally complicated and hard. I actually had to have my 6th chemo treatment. I can tell you that the last thing I wanted to do on this day was go through chemo. Going through chemo always took so much focus for me. It took a great deal of positive thinking as well and how can you think positively when you are grieving? It was also the day that I received the news that I would not be receiving the 8 treatments like we had thought. No, instead I would now need 12. This just compounded my grief for the day to say the least.

Today though, it is different. In a way I am grateful because I can just feel sad for my boy. I am grateful because it isn't so complicated. I can think of him and just cry my tears. Sure, I still have to be mom to my other four and we even have a baseball game that we will go to and we will cheer our 2nd son on with all of our hearts. But I am just thankful for an easier year where the grief isn't so complicated and hard.

I would just like to take a moment and remember all of the babies that have been lost due to miscarriage. Having lost 5 myself I know the pain and heartache that goes along with this type of loss all too well.

Everyone handles the grief differently. For me the pain was always very deep and long. I watched others who seemed to handle it much better than I. The important thing to remember is that grieving is a very personal thing and a miscarriage is still a loss no matter how far along you were. It still hurts.

Blessings to those who have experienced a loss of any kind. May God shower you abundantly with love and mercy.

Our New Addition

We have a new addition to the {g} family and we couldn't be more excited.

This is Gauge.

He is 17 weeks old and we have had him since the day before Easter.

He is truly the sweetest thing and he absolutely loves the kids. 

Welcome, Gauge, to {The Gressman Family}!

May you have a long and happy life with us. 

Just Words...

As I write this I have no real direction. Just the need to get some words down on paper - or in this case, words on the screen in front of me.

I have not been writing much at all lately. (Which I was reminded of by a sweet note from one of my youth group girls yesterday - um...Andrea, I haven't seen a blog post lately.... {sigh} Yes, I know. Sorry sweet girl.)

It seems to be a proven fact that the busier I get the less I write (unfortunately) and it is a very busy time in the {g} home right now. I have kids going in every different direction and a husband that is in a very busy season as well and with my limited energy level it seems to be all I can do to keep up.

When my husband gets this busy it really makes me sad because that means that there are more kids and families in crisis. It truly breaks my heart to see so many people hurting so badly. But I am grateful to have a husband that is so willing to be there for others.

Last week he got a call at 9pm and headed to the hospital to be with someone. I sat at home waiting and praying. My heart was just so grateful for this man that says yes to God no matter what time He calls.

I can definitely tell you I am ready for summer. My body is having a very hard time adjusting now which I am sure is still the side-effects of the chemo and radiation. My body seems to crave the warm weather but when I go out in it I get overheated very quickly. But then when our sporadic warm days cool down in the evenings I just absolutely freeze. I know it will just take time...

Anyway, that is all I really have for this post. Thanks for letting me ramble. I have a bunch more stuff that I need to get posted on here so hopefully I can do that soon. :-)

Blessings,
Andrea